2017 Irrelevant Resolutions

Patada

That’s 2016 on the left, and you on the right.

What can I say about 2016 that hasn’t been said by some vacuous feeble-minded jackass who needs a hug from his mommy? Not much, those bastards blabber on at a loose end and don’t know how to shut up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, are you surprised things went funny last year? I mean the CUBS won the world series! John the Apostle wrote about this shit in Revelations, kids. I believe he wrote about it just before the opening of the fourth seal and the granting of one quarter of the earth to Death, who rides a pale horse… Which explains all the dead stars lately. Oof.

Note: The fifth seal has vengeance written all over it and has stuff with people in ‘White Robes.’  Sound Republican enough for you? That occurs January 20th, In Washington D.C.

With all that said, I think the planet will at least last through the year, so therefore I think it makes sense to make some resolutions.

To improve myself.

Ya know, just in case things work out and the planet doesn’t burst into flames.

ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS!

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IN 2017, I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:

Enjoy Life Less: Because we tried enjoying it more last year, and what happened? Donald Fucking Trump.  ‘Nuf said.

Gain weight: There aren’t enough fat lazy fucks on planet earth, and it’s my job to set things aright.

Spend money foolishly: Who needs fiscal responsibility when there is so much shiny shit that goes beep for no readily apparent reason? There are superhero movies to watch and distract myself from the woes of the real world with, New phones and computers with games that go ping to distract me from the state of the world, and clothes with logos on them that cost insane amounts of money that help to enslave workers in third world countries! Why should I save money? Fuck that shit!

Start a Civil War in the United States: (Note to my friends in the NSA and the FBI and the CIA and the KGB: I’m kidding!  Love you guys! Don’t Shoot!)   Do you expect me to try and start one in Upper Mongolia? Those yaks are pretty happy over there. We’re the ones with the fat,pissy people who are enjoying life less and buying too much crap for their own good, so why not? I mean the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA are all pushing things in that direction anyway (We’ll end up with MORE power afterwards, so why not fuck everyone so hard they fight back and get rid of OUR enemies and make us stronger? is their view, I’m guessing.)

Plus the name of this blog is Casus Belli which is Latin for Cause of the War 

I kind of have to say that shit.

Increase the amount of stress in my life: With the impending knock on the door from the FBI thanks to that last resolution, I’m sure I just handled that one. I like to keep things easy, kids.

But then again, maybe I need to…

Relax: With all the off time I’m going to have this year, all 20 minutes of it, I’m going to need to learn to relax. Or maybe just keep running around like a maniac until I fall down. That sounds pleasant.

Put a Hex on every major team in every major sport on earth: If my team can’t win, then fuck all you people.

Teach an octopus to juggle: I mean c’mon. They’re smart and they have eight fucking arms. Tentacles, arms, six of one, half a dozen of the other. They should be naturals at this crap.

Teach myself to juggle: I mean c’mon. I’ve got six less arms less than an octopus, but I come from the species that came up with this stupid shit, and with that 20 minutes of free time scheduled sometime in July, why not?

Run for Political office: What’s my platform? Fuck you is my platform. Let me show you:

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My platform as it relates to lobbyists: Fuck you, Pay me.

Press: Do you plan to Cut Social Security?

Me: Fuck You.

Press: The Chinese are planning on sanctions on the U.S. What will our response be?

Me: Fuck you.

Press: Are you fucking with us?

Me: Fuck you.

That shit works. 

Walk into a spider web that no one can see, freak the fuck out, cause strangers to think I am insane and trying to beat up imaginary beasts that are attacking me out of nowhere, have it immortalized on the internet: Because doesn’t that sound like fun?

Hit every wall I come near with a hammer: Walls suck. Fuck walls. I might bring nails with me to make it worse. And plus it sounds like fun and fits the whole make it look like I’m nuts motif I started with that spider web bullshit.

Write quality fiction and sell it: After I teach myself to juggle during those 20 free minutes, I’ll take five of those minutes and write 200,000 words about an octopus who teaches himself to juggle. It can happen. If you’re really high and thinking about it. Badly.

Write something funny: That bullshit I just wrote was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t was it? No? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Ich bin ein arschloch.

Write something coherent:  I would but that would simply set a dangerous precedent. Can’t have that.

Cut the shit: Seriously, just cut the shit, OK?

800px-IGoemon

Now that’s the right weapon to cut the shit with.

Drink coffee, walk in circles, mumble incoherently and cackle at my cats for no readily apparent reason: THAT’S more like it!

Impress the boss and my co-workers with my communication skills: Which would involve learning how to talk. Not my strong suit.  I type well. Talking is for politicians, supervisors and other self abusive lunatics. I write. It’s more leisurely and I’m more able to make precise points. And I can EDIT. The jokes don’t get any better, not without hiring a professional joke writer. There was more I wanted to communicate there but… oh fuck it.

Don’t Die: Do this one every year. So far, so good.

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Quote of the day:  Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ George Carlin, Doin’ it Again / Explicit Lyrics, 1990

Fake News Isn’t Fake, and It Isn’t News

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What is news? Well, the dictionary definition (courtesy of Merriam Webster) is: News (n.) A report of a recent events.

What is fake? Fake (n.) One that is not what it purports to be.

These two words seem to be antonyms. If it’s news, it can’t be fake. If it’s fake, it can’t be news. So how did we end up with this “Fake news?”

Well, the words placed together themselves have as much to do with the intellectual laziness of both reporters and readers as anything. Why? Well, because the words “Purposefully, factually improper reporting from dubious and facetious sources with the intent of misleading the public.” is not exactly considered concise enough for twitter and the other terse forms of media where grabbing attention is more important than getting across your information accurately. Although there is a shorter, ten letter word that these people are forgetting about that fits the term even better than my long-winded though clearly accurate term.

I’ll get to it later.

How did the phenomena come to be? Simple. News, aka reality, did not go the way several groups of people wanted it to. There were people telling stories that others didn’t like, so they decided to create their own version of reality to fit their own needs.

Note I said several groups. Which groups? Right wing. Left wing. Single issue voters, like anti-vaxxers, Pro-life groups, pro-abortions rights groups. I do not know where it began, but it has existed since long before I was born. Probably before your grandparents were born, and each generation has found a way to make it happen, to create their own news. This thing that has taken over our newswires is nothing new. The new wrinkle that exists now is that it has left the fringe and has gone mainstream. It is no longer just the hallmark of conspiracy theorists and nutjobs, though they are still the greatest fomenters of this type of crap.

Just to make the point, here are a few stories from the past twelve months, with stories that were fabricated:

Elizabeth Warren’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders in March, from a site that spoofed the New York Times, all the way down to fonts and reporter byline. Fake as hell. She endorsed Hillary, but endorsed no one until June.

Megan Kelly fired by Fox after Endorsing Hillary Clinton, was a story that surfaced in late August. Megyn is still there, and she did not actually endorse Hillary Clinton, or anyone to my knowledge, but that did not stop endingthefed.com from getting one of the larger fake news stories of the year out there and planted all over Facebook in late August.

Donald Trump won the popular vote: Nope. Hillary won by over three million votes, yet there are stories that are still circulating that the Donald actually won. And a side note here, The stories that abounded of millions of illegal votes being counted for Hillary are just as fake, no matter (Ahem, Mister Trump) who made the claim. The only voter fraud out there is the stuff floating around the heads of conspiracy theorists, aka people who can’t handle the truth of the world that exists around them.

The truth though, is out there to be had, if only you look, America.

Find out. Life is information, how you take it in dictates who you are. Hearing about anything from anyone is just something to whet the appetite, it isn’t the be all end all. Just hearing something from someone is never enough. We need to dig, to find out, to go past that initial level of knowledge and get to the actual story. Often times you will find the initial headline and the real story are often at odds with reality.

Wait… What? Oh, what’s that ten letter word I mentioned before that is even more accurate than fake news?

Propaganda.

We as a nation have lost our ability to realize what we are really looking at. We’ve been had, and our propensity to find cute terms to fit the world we want to live in, rather than using words that fit the world we do live in is making us dumber and weaker. Not just as a society, or as a culture, or even as a nation. Since this is not just an American phenomena, it is making us dumber and weaker as a species.

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Quote of the day: We’ll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false. ~ William Casey, CIA Director at his first meeting as head of the organization, 1981.

June 2011 Random Thoughts

Once a month or so, I clear out some of the content on my Running Commentary, Random Thoughts, and 12 Notes pages and place them here on the main page to make room for fresh content on those pages.  This is the content from June 2011′s Random Thoughts.  Enjoy!

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Anagram:  Ninety Degrees/ Tiny Green Seed/ Need it’s Energy/I Need Grey Nets/ Tiny Nerd Geese/ Dentine Geyser/ Rinse Edgy Teen/ Dying Tree Seen (6/1)

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Rep. Anthony Weiner is guilty of something in this “BiggusDickusgate” scandal.

Of what I have no idea.

Maybe that photo is of him, but he just doesn’t want to admit it, and the send of the pic was done by someone else, a buddy perhaps, or someone with more malicious intent?  Maybe it was an erroneous send, by him, that he doesn’t want to admit? Maybe he was hacked, and the pic, of whoever, was sent by someone alleging to be him just like he says.  I don’t know, I’m not the answer man.

Whatever the case, he has appallingly bad judgment.  Taking this to the media, and then not being able to definitively answer whether that is his schlong or not is just plain stupid.  How do you not know a pic of yer own meat?  Watching his response to the “biggusdickusgate” scandal unfold made me want to throw the bad call brick at him.  (6/2)

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Had a job interview today.  For an art handler position.  In Jersey city.    T’was fairly short, and the guy was interested in when I could start and was talking salary before the end of the interview.  He asked a few short simple questions, fewer than a normal interviewer would, but I did go over, in a somewhat meticulous manner, the stuff I did at Sotheby’s.  This seemed to settle things for him.  I hope that’s good news.  (6/3)

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I am a happy man, my bankruptcy case is finished, and successfully at that.  Now I can, with one less thing on my mind, get on with my life, and trying to find a job, keep a roof over my head, and pay the bills with what passes for the money that exists in my life.

Still a million things to worry about, but 1 big one off of my back makes things just a hair easier.  And life is that much better.  (6/4)

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Anagram:  Confrontational/ I Cannot Rant, Fool!/ Not A Frantic Loon/ Cool Nonfat Train/ Fart: Not In a Colon/ Oft Carnal Notion/  Cannot Train Fool  (6/5)

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It’s 1 pm.  I looked for work on several sites, craigslist, monster, indeed, & NYC.ORG with no success.  I’m sitting around waiting for the UPS guy to show up and deliver 2 phones, one she needed, one she got me because she thinks the one I have is too old, and the newer one I got in February broke. I haven’t run yet. I want to run, but can’t.  Yet. My wife is asleep, having worked until about 7 am.    Still haven’t heard back from the people I interviewed with, and I was hoping to have heard from them by now.  Dammit.  (6/7)

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My wife and I are going to our first ever Yankee game at the new Yankee Stadium together later today!  My third game, but her first. Yankees – Red Sox.  Sabathia – Beckett.  Should be a Blast!  LET’S GO YANKEES!!!!! (6/9)

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My wife and I left for a baseball game, her 1st and my 3rd at the new Yankee Stadium at 4:45 pm, for a 7:05 scheduled start.  Got there around starting time, but it was raining, so we lucked out, at least as far as not missing the start of the game.  That’s all we thought, figured the rain would not be too long, the word was the storm wasn’t that big.

3 hours later, at 10:35, the game finally started, and lasted until around 1:45 am.  I think I’ll be writing about this in the blog proper sometime soon. (6/10)

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I’ve sent in 5 resumes so far today.  3 for art handler positions, 2 at a hospital in Manhattan.  Not done looking. If there are any odd jobs you need done, drop me a line, let me know.  I’m willing to try almost any job once, just to see if I can handle it.  (6/12)

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Rep.  Weiner.  Dude.  Seriously.  Walk away.  Quit while yer behind, because you cannot get ahead at this point.    (6/12)

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Worked my first day as a house cleaner.  Made $40.  Better’n nuttin.  Working one day next week, less time, less money for that one. (6/16)

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Put in my unemployment claim today, even though they aren’t paying me.  The people I used to work with are fighting my claim.  Dammit, I have bills to pay, and no one wants to hire me full time.  (6/19)

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Worked 2 ½ hours today.  Made $25, gotta go pick up the money tomorrow.  (6/20)

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Welcome Back Mr. Olbermann!  (6/20)

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Wife got canned from one of her writing gigs today, no reason given.  Now, on top of me not getting any unemployment in, and not being employed, my wife is now making something like $600 less a month because of this, she who has been the breadwinner for far too long. Life can be cruel sometimes.  Way to start off the summer.  Dammit.  (6/21)

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Called unemployment today, trying to find answers about what the hell is going on with my claim.  Had THE most unhelpful human I have ever dealt with on the phone.  Her name was Amy.   She said she could not help, when I asked her to look at my claim.  I asked to speak to an examiner so I could find out for myself what was happening with the case from the person in charge of the case.  Said she couldn’t, after the person who I spoke to last week said I could.  She couldn’t be bothered, she never even tried.

I was placid.  Thought to myself, “No big deal, I’ll just call back, and deal with someone else.”  After all, she can’t be the only person working the switchboards at NYS unemployment, could she?

Call back 5 minutes later… get Amy again.  Hang up.

I’ll call back later,  after noon, when (I presume) Amy will be on lunch, and I can get actual help. Maybe even get someone not named Amy.  It’d be nice.  She’s the first unhelpful person I’ve dealt with there, and hopefully the last.  (6/22)

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Not many random thoughts this month. More of a specific, particular month for me. (6/30)

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

Dumbass

Today is  dumbass day!  I did not realize this early on, but then again, being a dumbass, it was clearly deemed information that should only be given on a “need to know” basis, and apparently I did not “need to know.”

Dumbass day is meant to celebrate all that is wrong with the world, like I said, but that doesn’t mean that Dumbass day is confined to just one day.  This day is so dumb that it can be celebrated any day of the week, any time, ever!  Because dumbass  never takes a day off, it doesn’t know when to quit, or how to quit, and doesn’t care what you think about it, because it is Dumbass.  Dumbass runs the world, dumbass is in control and it likes it.

Watch a viddy with Dumbasses:

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Dumbass day is meant to celebrate stupidity and all that is wrong with the world.  Which means the day is for a lot of people, but not necessarily everyone, so I’ve compiled a list of people dumbass day is for:

If you think people who complain that the wealthy pay too much taxes are idiots, this day is for you.

If you work in advertising and you like it, this day is for you.  If you like TV shows like “Southern Fried Stings”  or “Operation Repo”  then this day is for you.

If you think that a 6 pack and a bag of Cheetos is a 7 course meal, then Dumbass day is your day.

If you watch TV to figure out how you feel about the political world, this day is for you.

If the last sentence made you wonder what the  “political world” is, then this day is for you.

If you work twice as hard at what you do to make up for not knowing what you are doing, then this day is for you.

If you are a fan of Rebecca Black, then Dumbass day is your day.

If you think getting rid of Social Security is a good Idea, and you are poor, this day is for you.

If you thought the New York Rangers had a shot in hell of winning their series against the Capitals, this day is for you.

If you don’t know what that last sentence is about, then Dumbass day is your day.

If you believe sharia law has taken effect anywhere in the United States, the President was born in Kenya, or that tax cuts create jobs, this is your day!

If the most fun you have all day is playing Farmville, then happy Dumbass day to you!

If you love working in an office, HAPPY DUMBASS DAY!

If you think sports talk radio is even vaguely interesting, this is your day.

If you love where you live so much, you would never even think of living anywhere else, this day is for you!

If you have a favorite commercial, happy dumbass day to YOU!

If the best movie you ever saw has Pete Billingsley in it, Dumbass day is your day!

If you read this whole friggin Dumbass list and did not even smile once… You have shown some style and taste, and clearly means that this was tailor made for you, you DUMBASS!

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Don’t forget to celebrate dumbass day by doing something in public that will brand you forever to your fellow dumbasses as THE BIGGEST DUMBASS EVER!

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Best Political Jokes of the Year So Far

Runner up, best political joke of the year: Donald Trump. The guy is an absolute hoot. Hate him or like him, you have to admit the guy is an attention getter, and he is funny to me. Maybe there are people who take him serious, but when you repeatedly speak to the birther myth as if it is based in fact, then say that you are friends with “The blacks”, and then you look at the ratings of his show, which are in the tank, you can see exactly what the ranting and headline grabbing is really about.

It’s all about the apprentice jumping the shark, and “The donald” using politics to gain some focus back on him, and his sagging ratings for his shitty show. A real run for president, which some people actually talk about, would probably be accompanied by sane views, wisdom, sagacity, and as little actual stupid bullshit as is humanly possible. The donald is missing on all counts.

The dumbass makes Glenn Beck look rational, and that is zarking difficult to do. But it is incredibly funny to listen to him flounder for attention, but there is even more pathetic and funnier than the donald and his hairpiece.

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Viddy of the day: Stephen Colbert on Kyl’s ‘not a factual statement’ – Last Word

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Best joke of the year: NOT INTENDED TO BE A FACTUAL STATEMENT. The…THE best idiot line in recent memory, and that is a difficult thing to do in a nation of political idiots, and to understand why, you need to understand the context of the statement. Jon Kyl, a conservative Senator from the state of incomprehensible bullshit, told a major lie on the floor of the Senate. He said that Planned parenthood used 90% of it’s budget for abortions. 90%, that’s an awful lot isn’t it? Well, there was only one problem with the statement. It is patently false. The actual number is 3%, an 87 percent miss by the senator. It necessitated a statement where the now infamous “NOT INTENDED TO BE A FACTUAL STATEMENT” was uttered.

it brought about a SLEW of funny retorts, most notably by Stephen Colbert on twitter using the hashtag #notintendedtobeafactualstatement. A few examples follow:

Jon Kyl holds the Guinness World Record for “Largest Collection of Penis Enlargers.”

Jon Kyl let a game-winning ground ball roll through his legs in Game 6 of the ’86 World Series.

Everything you would only do in the privacy of your own home, Jon Kyl prefers to do on a subway car.

Jon Kyl thinks no one can see him when he puts a paper bag on his head.

Jon Kyl’s torso is covered in superfluous nipples.

For the past ten years, Jon Kyl has been two children in a very convincing Jon Kyl suit.

And the press has eaten this, and hundreds of other such statements up, because it is so damn funny. The press may be filled with self obsessed assholes, but they know a good joke when they hear it, and Jon Kyl has become one.

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Now, you and I know that this never would have happened had the senator from incomprehensible bullshit simply told the truth, if he had simply stayed in the real world, but he couldn’t, and now we get to, for the rest of his career, get to bash the hell out of him for his stupid bullshit by making up the most insanely funny abusive stuff about him, for his blatant lies and his covering it up with so stupid a line.

What a dick!

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Other funny lines that could at least raise a giggle:

President Obama has finally thrown his turban in the ring for his run for re-election in 2012. ~ unknown

Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went. ~ Conan O’Brien

The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it’s the first military operation named after a stripper.” ~ David Letterman

You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggers to masturbate. ~ Bill Maher

Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t.” ~ Jon Stewart

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I just wanted to have a bit of fun tonight, and toss out some politics. I like it. Hopefully I spelled enough words right for most of this crap to make some kind of sense.

That’s it from here, America. Go to sleep.