2017 Irrelevant Resolutions

Patada

That’s 2016 on the left, and you on the right.

What can I say about 2016 that hasn’t been said by some vacuous feeble-minded jackass who needs a hug from his mommy? Not much, those bastards blabber on at a loose end and don’t know how to shut up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, are you surprised things went funny last year? I mean the CUBS won the world series! John the Apostle wrote about this shit in Revelations, kids. I believe he wrote about it just before the opening of the fourth seal and the granting of one quarter of the earth to Death, who rides a pale horse… Which explains all the dead stars lately. Oof.

Note: The fifth seal has vengeance written all over it and has stuff with people in ‘White Robes.’  Sound Republican enough for you? That occurs January 20th, In Washington D.C.

With all that said, I think the planet will at least last through the year, so therefore I think it makes sense to make some resolutions.

To improve myself.

Ya know, just in case things work out and the planet doesn’t burst into flames.

ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS!

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IN 2017, I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:

Enjoy Life Less: Because we tried enjoying it more last year, and what happened? Donald Fucking Trump.  ‘Nuf said.

Gain weight: There aren’t enough fat lazy fucks on planet earth, and it’s my job to set things aright.

Spend money foolishly: Who needs fiscal responsibility when there is so much shiny shit that goes beep for no readily apparent reason? There are superhero movies to watch and distract myself from the woes of the real world with, New phones and computers with games that go ping to distract me from the state of the world, and clothes with logos on them that cost insane amounts of money that help to enslave workers in third world countries! Why should I save money? Fuck that shit!

Start a Civil War in the United States: (Note to my friends in the NSA and the FBI and the CIA and the KGB: I’m kidding!  Love you guys! Don’t Shoot!)   Do you expect me to try and start one in Upper Mongolia? Those yaks are pretty happy over there. We’re the ones with the fat,pissy people who are enjoying life less and buying too much crap for their own good, so why not? I mean the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA are all pushing things in that direction anyway (We’ll end up with MORE power afterwards, so why not fuck everyone so hard they fight back and get rid of OUR enemies and make us stronger? is their view, I’m guessing.)

Plus the name of this blog is Casus Belli which is Latin for Cause of the War 

I kind of have to say that shit.

Increase the amount of stress in my life: With the impending knock on the door from the FBI thanks to that last resolution, I’m sure I just handled that one. I like to keep things easy, kids.

But then again, maybe I need to…

Relax: With all the off time I’m going to have this year, all 20 minutes of it, I’m going to need to learn to relax. Or maybe just keep running around like a maniac until I fall down. That sounds pleasant.

Put a Hex on every major team in every major sport on earth: If my team can’t win, then fuck all you people.

Teach an octopus to juggle: I mean c’mon. They’re smart and they have eight fucking arms. Tentacles, arms, six of one, half a dozen of the other. They should be naturals at this crap.

Teach myself to juggle: I mean c’mon. I’ve got six less arms less than an octopus, but I come from the species that came up with this stupid shit, and with that 20 minutes of free time scheduled sometime in July, why not?

Run for Political office: What’s my platform? Fuck you is my platform. Let me show you:

cropped-800px-victor_dubreuil_-_money_to_burn_oil_on_canvas_1893.jpg

My platform as it relates to lobbyists: Fuck you, Pay me.

Press: Do you plan to Cut Social Security?

Me: Fuck You.

Press: The Chinese are planning on sanctions on the U.S. What will our response be?

Me: Fuck you.

Press: Are you fucking with us?

Me: Fuck you.

That shit works. 

Walk into a spider web that no one can see, freak the fuck out, cause strangers to think I am insane and trying to beat up imaginary beasts that are attacking me out of nowhere, have it immortalized on the internet: Because doesn’t that sound like fun?

Hit every wall I come near with a hammer: Walls suck. Fuck walls. I might bring nails with me to make it worse. And plus it sounds like fun and fits the whole make it look like I’m nuts motif I started with that spider web bullshit.

Write quality fiction and sell it: After I teach myself to juggle during those 20 free minutes, I’ll take five of those minutes and write 200,000 words about an octopus who teaches himself to juggle. It can happen. If you’re really high and thinking about it. Badly.

Write something funny: That bullshit I just wrote was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t was it? No? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Ich bin ein arschloch.

Write something coherent:  I would but that would simply set a dangerous precedent. Can’t have that.

Cut the shit: Seriously, just cut the shit, OK?

800px-IGoemon

Now that’s the right weapon to cut the shit with.

Drink coffee, walk in circles, mumble incoherently and cackle at my cats for no readily apparent reason: THAT’S more like it!

Impress the boss and my co-workers with my communication skills: Which would involve learning how to talk. Not my strong suit.  I type well. Talking is for politicians, supervisors and other self abusive lunatics. I write. It’s more leisurely and I’m more able to make precise points. And I can EDIT. The jokes don’t get any better, not without hiring a professional joke writer. There was more I wanted to communicate there but… oh fuck it.

Don’t Die: Do this one every year. So far, so good.

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Quote of the day:  Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ George Carlin, Doin’ it Again / Explicit Lyrics, 1990

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2013 Irrelevant Resolutions

The year 2012 had it’s ups and downs.  There was not nearly not enough work for me, making it hard to pay the bills.  The Yankees did not win the world series.  Again.  Dick Cheney did not spontaneously burst into flames for the 71st year in a row.  My older cat learned to shit in the hallway. A lot.  The Mayans, as usual, were wrong and the world did not dissolve into nothingness and humanity didn’t come to an end.

Don’t ya hate when that happens?  Me too.

There were good things though.  Mitt Romney tried to anally rape the average American by trying to buy the election, but fortunately for us, the body politic has ways of shutting that whole thing down.  Eli Manning and Co. won their second super bowl.  I kept the Christmas lights up most of the year.

Frankly even with the good stuff that happened, I’m glad to see the end of 2012.

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Which brings me to the 4th annual festival of WTF, that bastion of bullshit, that cavalcade of crap, the 2013 Irrelevant resolutions!

If any of this mostly silly, and only occasionally serious crap strikes your fancy, by all means take it with you and call it your own!

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Resolution #1: Get large sums of money.  Note I used the word get and not make. No one has ever, and from past experience I know no one will ever800px-PostcardHappyNewYearOldManKidScytheHourglass1910 pay me large sums of money. It would be nice if I could earn enough money to be able to keep myself and my wife from having to sweat the end of the month showing up.  Winning the lottery would be nice, but I figure that only family members of the people who run the lottery ever win those damn things, so ‘l have to do it the old fashioned way and rob some fat rich fuck and run like hell.

Resolution #2:  Get a permanent job.  I have been temping and freelancing for the better part of four years and frankly I’m sick to death of it. I want to know who I have to have sex with to get a job, what do I have to do them with?  No one has answered this vitally important question for me, and it’s beginning to piss me off.

Resolution #3:  Write a book.  I said I was going to do this one last year, and never did.  Not for lack of trying.  I have thousands of words that form a cogent and coherent story on a computer in this very room.  Unfortunately that computer turned into a brick on me, damn thing stopped working the week of Thanksgiving, so I can’t do a damn thing with any of those 38,000+ words.  Maybe the old computer couldn’t handle the story.  Maybe I should have surfed for porn like everyone else instead.  Would’ve at least gotten something out of it then.

Resolution #4:  Watch more (shitty) television. I do not watch Sons of Anarchy.  I do not watch the walking dead.  Whenever I go places and meet people, they invariably talk about these silly sounding shows. So just to stay in conversations with people I like I may have to.  Because they don’t talk about much else.  Elitist fuckers. Maybe I should just try meeting a better brand of  biker zombie.

Resolution #5:  Stop being so judgmental.

Resolution #6:  Beat the shit out of at least one elected official.  The government is watching me, they surveil everyone, so why not get their attention by saying some crazy outlandish silly stupid bullshit.  This particular statement is not actually a resolution, I’m not the violent type per se, this is just me saying hello to the boys and girls down at homeland security.  This statement is meant to make at least one of those nosy fuck bastards earn at least one paycheck this year.  Lazy pricks.

Resolution #7:  Bring out the best in America.  Walk the width and breadth of this great land, and with a happy hearty smile, a twinkle in my eye, and a warm handshake, greet everyone regardless of lifestyle, circumstance or political stripe and wish them a happy day.  And hope they don’t beat the crap out of me for bothering them like that, because America don’t like that kinda thing any more.  They’re much more interested in their iPads, their stupid looking skinny jeans and this weeks latest uninformed political conspiracy.

File-ABouquetOfFloweryNewYearPostcardsFor1908Resolution #8:  Have sex.  I’m a married man. It can happen.

Resolution #9:  Spend at least one day this year where I do not look at a single screen.  Every day I spend hours and hours staring at either computer, tablet or television screens.  At the best of times most of it seems to be nothing more than vapid horse manure.  It maybe enjoyable watching all of it, but it isn’t exactly life enriching. Why not stop watching for a minute and see what happens?

Resolution #10:  Run.  For those of you who do not know, and that would be the entire population of the earth minus the few family and friends that care about such things, I am a runner.  What even these few do not know is that I have spent most of the last three months not running.  My running shoes are worn the hell out, my knees calves and hamstrings were worn the hell out, as was my lower back.  But the time off has done away with the physical issues, and if it were not for the shoes I would be back out there now. I’m going to be a runner again.  I promise.

Resolution #11:  Run for office.  OK, writing the things I wrote here kinda preclude my ever being able to do this one, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Resolution #12:  Fart in the bathtub while listening to patriotic music.  Might even fart the star spangled banner.  God bless America.  Doesn’t  freedom smell great?

Resolution #13:  Use the word “cliff” in a sentence without using the word “fiscal” in that same sentence.  Haven’t been able to all year.  I know I have it in me.  Well, I might… ummm…. crap.  We’ll see. I dunno about this one.

Resolution #14:  Use the name John Boehner in a sentence without using the words “douchebag”  “whiner” “Cry baby” or “stupid orange fuck” in the same sentence. Personally I’m not holding out much hope on this one, but I can try.

Resolution #15:  Stop.  Seriously.  Just stop.  In this constantly busy ever moving world, keeping things moving is about the most important thing aCharles_R._Knight_New_Years's_Card person can do. Busy equals strong most ways that are important as far as I see it. But no one can do it like that without a break.  So when things get too damn stressed, just put the brakes on.

Resolution # 16:  Tell the corporate world to go fuck itself… in such a way that they give me great heaving gobs of money to do it.  #Occupycomedy perhaps?

Resolution #17:  Be kind to strangers.  Because you can’t really get to loathe someone until you get to know them.

Resolution #18:  Start a Death Metal band.  Name it “Joe”  

Resolution #19: Don’t Die. I have this one on the list every year. So far, so good.

Resolution #20: Drink more alcohol. I have not had one single drink during all of 2012.  Not a single one.  Not bad for an alcoholic.  So technically having one beer would make this one a reality.  I think I can do it, without drinking so much that I almost crap my liver out the next morning.  Control is good.

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That’s it from here, America.  Gnight.

2012 Irrelevant Resolutions

2011 is over! I tell you I won’t miss 2011, now that 2012 is here.  2011 sucked!  I had 5 separate jobs.  Five.  Not that I mind working, I love to work, but having 5 jobs means that I had no stability in those jobs whatsoever, and that sucks!

A lot of the resolutions I made last year just didn’t work.  I didn’t write for money.  Never called my representative to tell him he is a shithead, and I never got to tell Glenn Beck to fuck himself.

I’m such a slacker.

One resolution I did nail was the resolution to run a lot.  Ran over 2100 miles, ran over 20 miles like I resolved to do.

Which is nice and all, but….

The time has come to make this years resolutions.  Let the irrelevancy begin!

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Resolution #1: Belch.  Belch like no one has ever belched before.  Make booger here look like a rookie.

Resolution #2:  Start a fight with corporate America.  Sure I can’t beat them, there’s a bazillion of them, and one of me, and they have a grillion dollars to my… 22 bucks … sumthin like that, and they buy political influence the way I buy milk, but so what?  I have something they don’t have.  I don’t know what it is, but I hope what the hell ever it is helps, ’cause I don’t feel like getting my ass kicked at this point in my life.

Resolution #3:  Get a full time job.  Finding work has been a priority since the dickheads that fired me in 2009 made my life a living hell.  I have work now.  The problem?  It’s freelance work.  If they need me 5 days a week, I get a real paycheck.  If they don’t need me, I don’t work.  That SUCKS!  I’ve had enough of that hairy high school horseshit.  Full time or bust!

Resolution #4: Keep the Christmas tree up all year.

Resolution #5:  Run a race.  I am a runner (just in case you missed that), and I could have run one last year, but I tweaked a hamstring and that killed the one chance I had at running that race.  I love running, and racing is fun.

Resolution #6:  Write a book.  Note I do not say “write a bestseller” or even “write a decent book”  It could be a god-awful piece of shit, but dammit, I want to write a book.  OK, I hope it isn’t a truly god-awful piece of shit, but the worse it is, the better it’ll sell, if I know the tastes (if you can call it taste) of my countrymen (and women) at all.

Resolution #7:  Beat the crap out of a marketing executive.  People who work in marketing are evil.  Evil must be fought.  If all the good people of the world took up the cause, and beat the shit out of just one of these evil cretins, the world would be a much better place.  Join the cause.

Resolution #8:  Punch a random stranger in the face. Ya, that is wrong.  But if I had a dollar for every wrong thing in the world, I’d have a lot of money I did not really deserve.  And i’d be part of the 1%.

Resolution #9:  Stop all unnecessary violence in the world.

Resolution #10 :  Teach a fish to juggle.

Resolution #11:   Learn Irish Gaelic.  OK, I know a bare minimum of the language, I would like to be able to speak it, actually have a conversation in the langauge of my forefathers.  While I’m at it, learn Polish as well.  I have polish blood, t’would be nice if I learned that language as well.

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A very old author discoursing upon Irishmen, says, ” Where Irishmen are good, it is impossible to find better, where they are bad, it is impossible to find worse.” I am afraid we have got to this alternative. Treachery was never the character of Irishmen. Courage and intrepidity were their characteristics. Every creature is taught to fight, but boldly and fairly.

The Earl of Clonwell, 1796

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Resolution #12:  Start and /or join a band.  I’ve been playing guitar since 1983.  I’m good, dammit.  I should be in a band and use that musicality of mine.

Resolution #13:  Start my own company.  I have no Idea what the hell that company would do, but dammit, maybe doing that makes me more money than just working for evil assholes who hate paying me, and think that health benefits for employees are an extravagant privilege.  This one needs a lot of work, but then again, so do I.

Resolution #14:  Piss off a conservative.  That’s pretty easy. They’re sensitive little ass clowns, pouty drunk fucks the lot of them.

🙂

Resolution #15:  Learn to be nice.  Or at least find someone who has the right drugs that will help me get there.  Because after 44 years on this earth, I have found that I simply cannot fake nice, and that I’m about as subtle as a nuclear explosion, and that doesn’t exactly lend itself to “nice”.

Resolution #16:  Eat healthier.  Wait… what the hell is an honest to J.R. “Bob” Dobbs resolution doing here????  Well I do eat a boatload of unhealthy crap.  Ring dings are NOT a food group, no matter how hard I try to make them one.  I really do have to work on that.

Resolution #17:  Learn to drive.  I love cars.  They are, some of them, truly works of art, some of the most sublime beauty mankind has created is in the form of automobiles.  But they are evil, at least to me they are.  I hate them, I would much rather just stay home than drive, but it is becoming obvious that I have no choice.  I need to do this.  Dammit.

Resolution #18:  Invade Iran.  Oh wait, that’s Rick Santorum’s resolution.  Sorry.  My bad.

Resolution #19:  Don’t Die.  That would ruin my weekend.

Resolution #20:  Get rich.  This poverty shit really sucks. And the rich fat bastards never learned to share, so I gotta go steal earn it myself.

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

2011 Irrelevant Resolutions

No philosophy that he had ever heard or read gave any reasonable purpose for man’s existence, nor any rational clue to his proper conduct. Basking in the sunshine might be as good a thing to do with one’s life as any other — but it was not for him and he knew it, even if he could not define how he knew it.

Robert Heinlein, Methuselah’s Children

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The year is nearly done.  That is a happy thing.  2010 sucked!  The Yankees didn’t win the World series..I don’t even remember who won, The Orioles? The Seattle Pilots? My uncle Fred? Sumthin like that.  The job market sucked ass.  I’m still not wealthy. 

My cats ass exploded.  Srsly.  Ask about it, I’ll give you an earful of my cats ass.  … on second thought, maybe not…

I think the time has come for 2011’s resolutions.  Seeing how I really didn’t nail any of the important resolutions I made last year, despite the fact that some of them were pretty damn easy, I don’t hold out much hope for really getting this list done either.  But like the evil bastards at the NY Lottery say, “Hey, Ya never know!”  😛

And if you like any of them, take them for your own, I won’t mind! 

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Resolution #1:  Annoy complete strangers with various noxious body odors. 

Resolution #2:  Get a fucking job.

Resolution #3:  Keep that fucking job.

Resolution #4:  Get deeper in debt.  Most people want to be out of debt.  Most people also want their kids to be President, or make millions of dollars.  Nice to want things.  If I know I can’t get out, why not just sit tight and wallow in it?  😛

Resolution  #5:  Send John Boehner my resume, and write him a touching e-mail.  Then ask him where the jobs are.  I figure if he knows, maybe he can forward it to someone who’ll hire me.  Maybe it’ll make him cry.  That’d be nice. 

And if he can’t find me a job, screw him, he is fucking useless.

Resolution #6:  Wear a silly hat in public for no readily apparent reason. I may well mix this resolution with res. #1 to create an unforgettable experience for some poor bastard.

Resolution #7:  Record a song that I’ve written.  Send it to someone at a record company.  Cross fingers. 

Resolution #8:  Fix the political rift in this great nation, bringing together America’s left and right, so we can stand together and be one nation, united.  Barring that, make America a better place by pointing out that both sides of the political aisle have faults, and that no side has all the answers.  Barring that, tell that drunk glib fraud Beck to go fuck himself.

Resolution #9:  Run.  A lot.  Run fast.  Run long.  Run 20+ miles at least once. 

Resolution #10:  Read the Koran, in an effort to find out why all these nut jobs keep tying bombs to their assholes and blowing them off and taking unsuspecting people along with them.  Assholes.

Resolution #11:  Call my Representative.  Tell him he is a shithead. 

Resolution #12:  Stop climate change.  If that isn’t happening, help the people who are helping to do that.  If that doesn’t happen, at the very least shut one self proclaimed climate change denier the hell up.  And if it turns out there is no climate change, start it the hell up. 

Resolution #13:  Be grumpier every day. 

Resolution #14:  Write for money.  I know, I know.  I said that last year, and it didn’t didn’t work out.  Despite the fact that I applied for a number of  jobs as a writer, I could not land a single one.  That may be because I sent resumes at the wrong time, or  the positions were filled, but probably because I suck.  But that’s OK, plenty of other writers suck. Just read redstate.com, or Mediaite.  They are ALL shitty writers, and they make money writing, why can’t I?

Resolution#15:  If I can’t make money writing, or get a job making copies or being a mover, or make money playing guitar, go be a dishwasher or something.  Any job is better than no job. Can you tell I obsess over money?  Maybe I should stop that.  Hmmm….

Resolution #16:   Stop obsessing over money.

Resolution #17:  Stop obsessing over money.

Resolution #18:  Stop obsessing over money.

Resolution #19:  Stop repeating myself unnecessarily, and stop obsessing over money, by becoming obsessed with something else entirely, like cheddar cheese, or knuckle push-ups, or farting in public.

Resolution #20: Do something radically insane, like jump out of an airplane, or base jump.  I think I’ll make sure I have a parachute or an umbrella or some such handy for that, otherwise I just might end up sticking the landing. 

Plus, I really don’t look good in red.

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That’s it from here, America!  Happy New Year!

Anagram: Irresolute/Leisure Rot

      The Thinker Please take the poll at the bottom of the page.  Thank you!

 

     I have been thinking a bit about this years resolutions.  Yes it is the 2nd already, and maybe you are supposed to have this done already if you are gonna do it, but I do things the right way, and if it takes a little longer then so be it.  I’m really not sure what resolution or resolutions i am going to make though. 

     I made several of them last year, and most of the ones that I did make last year backfired.  I resolved to save money and be more fiscally disciplined.  And while I was more disciplined, spent less money and was more intelligent in how I spent my money, i wasn’t able to save any money.   I also promised to run smarter longer and better than I had the year before and to stay a healthy runner all year long.  NOPE.   I was hurt or ill most of the year and ran maybe 20% of the total distance i had the year before.  I also said i would eat more healthily and intelligently.  Not really.  If I had I would not have gained the 20 pounds I gained last year when sitting on my arse not running.  And I never figured out that bug in guitar tracks pro that made recording immensely difficult, so the guitar recording thing never panned out.

          Needless to say if I do this I am going to do it right.  For YEARS i didn’t make any resolutions (except the annual “I resolve that i won’t make any resolutions” resolution) and it was because I was afraid this would happen.  That I would fail miserably.  I don’t like failing and try my damnedest not to. 

       With that in mind I want to set some realistic goals for myself, but ones that will push me past my comfort zones in my life. 

      There are a number of different ones I want to make, and I am thinking of doing the following.800px-serengeti_lion_running_saturated

     Resolving to Run more this year. That should hardly be difficult. I was hurt or ill or just plain lazy for 7 or 8 months last year.  The weight will come off if I just get back to it without getting hurt or getting ill.

      Resolving to eat less crap.

     Resolving to get a second job and make enough money to get a better apartment for me and my wife, large enough for Us, all our crap, our cats, and a Baby, should we be lucky enough to have one. 

       Resolving to play my guitar as much as possible,. and to record, if i can ever figure out how to get that damned Guitar Tracks pro 3 working without all the echo.  Maybe that’s just a phone call to Leo Laporte away from being done.

      Resolving to write more than just a blog this year.  Get somebody somewhere to publish something of mine.  No matter how small. 

      I need some help on this, so you tell me, which one sounds best? Most Feasible? Least Likely? Check out the poll, and drop me a comment!

      That’s It For me!  Later!

Today’s Nuggets, Via Newspeak:  The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. — When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.   George Orwell

The Aim of an Argument … should not be victory, but progress.   Joseph Joubert