2017 Irrelevant Resolutions

Patada

That’s 2016 on the left, and you on the right.

What can I say about 2016 that hasn’t been said by some vacuous feeble-minded jackass who needs a hug from his mommy? Not much, those bastards blabber on at a loose end and don’t know how to shut up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, are you surprised things went funny last year? I mean the CUBS won the world series! John the Apostle wrote about this shit in Revelations, kids. I believe he wrote about it just before the opening of the fourth seal and the granting of one quarter of the earth to Death, who rides a pale horse… Which explains all the dead stars lately. Oof.

Note: The fifth seal has vengeance written all over it and has stuff with people in ‘White Robes.’  Sound Republican enough for you? That occurs January 20th, In Washington D.C.

With all that said, I think the planet will at least last through the year, so therefore I think it makes sense to make some resolutions.

To improve myself.

Ya know, just in case things work out and the planet doesn’t burst into flames.

ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS!

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IN 2017, I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:

Enjoy Life Less: Because we tried enjoying it more last year, and what happened? Donald Fucking Trump.  ‘Nuf said.

Gain weight: There aren’t enough fat lazy fucks on planet earth, and it’s my job to set things aright.

Spend money foolishly: Who needs fiscal responsibility when there is so much shiny shit that goes beep for no readily apparent reason? There are superhero movies to watch and distract myself from the woes of the real world with, New phones and computers with games that go ping to distract me from the state of the world, and clothes with logos on them that cost insane amounts of money that help to enslave workers in third world countries! Why should I save money? Fuck that shit!

Start a Civil War in the United States: (Note to my friends in the NSA and the FBI and the CIA and the KGB: I’m kidding!  Love you guys! Don’t Shoot!)   Do you expect me to try and start one in Upper Mongolia? Those yaks are pretty happy over there. We’re the ones with the fat,pissy people who are enjoying life less and buying too much crap for their own good, so why not? I mean the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA are all pushing things in that direction anyway (We’ll end up with MORE power afterwards, so why not fuck everyone so hard they fight back and get rid of OUR enemies and make us stronger? is their view, I’m guessing.)

Plus the name of this blog is Casus Belli which is Latin for Cause of the War 

I kind of have to say that shit.

Increase the amount of stress in my life: With the impending knock on the door from the FBI thanks to that last resolution, I’m sure I just handled that one. I like to keep things easy, kids.

But then again, maybe I need to…

Relax: With all the off time I’m going to have this year, all 20 minutes of it, I’m going to need to learn to relax. Or maybe just keep running around like a maniac until I fall down. That sounds pleasant.

Put a Hex on every major team in every major sport on earth: If my team can’t win, then fuck all you people.

Teach an octopus to juggle: I mean c’mon. They’re smart and they have eight fucking arms. Tentacles, arms, six of one, half a dozen of the other. They should be naturals at this crap.

Teach myself to juggle: I mean c’mon. I’ve got six less arms less than an octopus, but I come from the species that came up with this stupid shit, and with that 20 minutes of free time scheduled sometime in July, why not?

Run for Political office: What’s my platform? Fuck you is my platform. Let me show you:

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My platform as it relates to lobbyists: Fuck you, Pay me.

Press: Do you plan to Cut Social Security?

Me: Fuck You.

Press: The Chinese are planning on sanctions on the U.S. What will our response be?

Me: Fuck you.

Press: Are you fucking with us?

Me: Fuck you.

That shit works. 

Walk into a spider web that no one can see, freak the fuck out, cause strangers to think I am insane and trying to beat up imaginary beasts that are attacking me out of nowhere, have it immortalized on the internet: Because doesn’t that sound like fun?

Hit every wall I come near with a hammer: Walls suck. Fuck walls. I might bring nails with me to make it worse. And plus it sounds like fun and fits the whole make it look like I’m nuts motif I started with that spider web bullshit.

Write quality fiction and sell it: After I teach myself to juggle during those 20 free minutes, I’ll take five of those minutes and write 200,000 words about an octopus who teaches himself to juggle. It can happen. If you’re really high and thinking about it. Badly.

Write something funny: That bullshit I just wrote was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t was it? No? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Ich bin ein arschloch.

Write something coherent:  I would but that would simply set a dangerous precedent. Can’t have that.

Cut the shit: Seriously, just cut the shit, OK?

800px-IGoemon

Now that’s the right weapon to cut the shit with.

Drink coffee, walk in circles, mumble incoherently and cackle at my cats for no readily apparent reason: THAT’S more like it!

Impress the boss and my co-workers with my communication skills: Which would involve learning how to talk. Not my strong suit.  I type well. Talking is for politicians, supervisors and other self abusive lunatics. I write. It’s more leisurely and I’m more able to make precise points. And I can EDIT. The jokes don’t get any better, not without hiring a professional joke writer. There was more I wanted to communicate there but… oh fuck it.

Don’t Die: Do this one every year. So far, so good.

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Quote of the day:  Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ George Carlin, Doin’ it Again / Explicit Lyrics, 1990

2013 Irrelevant Resolutions

The year 2012 had it’s ups and downs.  There was not nearly not enough work for me, making it hard to pay the bills.  The Yankees did not win the world series.  Again.  Dick Cheney did not spontaneously burst into flames for the 71st year in a row.  My older cat learned to shit in the hallway. A lot.  The Mayans, as usual, were wrong and the world did not dissolve into nothingness and humanity didn’t come to an end.

Don’t ya hate when that happens?  Me too.

There were good things though.  Mitt Romney tried to anally rape the average American by trying to buy the election, but fortunately for us, the body politic has ways of shutting that whole thing down.  Eli Manning and Co. won their second super bowl.  I kept the Christmas lights up most of the year.

Frankly even with the good stuff that happened, I’m glad to see the end of 2012.

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Which brings me to the 4th annual festival of WTF, that bastion of bullshit, that cavalcade of crap, the 2013 Irrelevant resolutions!

If any of this mostly silly, and only occasionally serious crap strikes your fancy, by all means take it with you and call it your own!

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Resolution #1: Get large sums of money.  Note I used the word get and not make. No one has ever, and from past experience I know no one will ever800px-PostcardHappyNewYearOldManKidScytheHourglass1910 pay me large sums of money. It would be nice if I could earn enough money to be able to keep myself and my wife from having to sweat the end of the month showing up.  Winning the lottery would be nice, but I figure that only family members of the people who run the lottery ever win those damn things, so ‘l have to do it the old fashioned way and rob some fat rich fuck and run like hell.

Resolution #2:  Get a permanent job.  I have been temping and freelancing for the better part of four years and frankly I’m sick to death of it. I want to know who I have to have sex with to get a job, what do I have to do them with?  No one has answered this vitally important question for me, and it’s beginning to piss me off.

Resolution #3:  Write a book.  I said I was going to do this one last year, and never did.  Not for lack of trying.  I have thousands of words that form a cogent and coherent story on a computer in this very room.  Unfortunately that computer turned into a brick on me, damn thing stopped working the week of Thanksgiving, so I can’t do a damn thing with any of those 38,000+ words.  Maybe the old computer couldn’t handle the story.  Maybe I should have surfed for porn like everyone else instead.  Would’ve at least gotten something out of it then.

Resolution #4:  Watch more (shitty) television. I do not watch Sons of Anarchy.  I do not watch the walking dead.  Whenever I go places and meet people, they invariably talk about these silly sounding shows. So just to stay in conversations with people I like I may have to.  Because they don’t talk about much else.  Elitist fuckers. Maybe I should just try meeting a better brand of  biker zombie.

Resolution #5:  Stop being so judgmental.

Resolution #6:  Beat the shit out of at least one elected official.  The government is watching me, they surveil everyone, so why not get their attention by saying some crazy outlandish silly stupid bullshit.  This particular statement is not actually a resolution, I’m not the violent type per se, this is just me saying hello to the boys and girls down at homeland security.  This statement is meant to make at least one of those nosy fuck bastards earn at least one paycheck this year.  Lazy pricks.

Resolution #7:  Bring out the best in America.  Walk the width and breadth of this great land, and with a happy hearty smile, a twinkle in my eye, and a warm handshake, greet everyone regardless of lifestyle, circumstance or political stripe and wish them a happy day.  And hope they don’t beat the crap out of me for bothering them like that, because America don’t like that kinda thing any more.  They’re much more interested in their iPads, their stupid looking skinny jeans and this weeks latest uninformed political conspiracy.

File-ABouquetOfFloweryNewYearPostcardsFor1908Resolution #8:  Have sex.  I’m a married man. It can happen.

Resolution #9:  Spend at least one day this year where I do not look at a single screen.  Every day I spend hours and hours staring at either computer, tablet or television screens.  At the best of times most of it seems to be nothing more than vapid horse manure.  It maybe enjoyable watching all of it, but it isn’t exactly life enriching. Why not stop watching for a minute and see what happens?

Resolution #10:  Run.  For those of you who do not know, and that would be the entire population of the earth minus the few family and friends that care about such things, I am a runner.  What even these few do not know is that I have spent most of the last three months not running.  My running shoes are worn the hell out, my knees calves and hamstrings were worn the hell out, as was my lower back.  But the time off has done away with the physical issues, and if it were not for the shoes I would be back out there now. I’m going to be a runner again.  I promise.

Resolution #11:  Run for office.  OK, writing the things I wrote here kinda preclude my ever being able to do this one, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Resolution #12:  Fart in the bathtub while listening to patriotic music.  Might even fart the star spangled banner.  God bless America.  Doesn’t  freedom smell great?

Resolution #13:  Use the word “cliff” in a sentence without using the word “fiscal” in that same sentence.  Haven’t been able to all year.  I know I have it in me.  Well, I might… ummm…. crap.  We’ll see. I dunno about this one.

Resolution #14:  Use the name John Boehner in a sentence without using the words “douchebag”  “whiner” “Cry baby” or “stupid orange fuck” in the same sentence. Personally I’m not holding out much hope on this one, but I can try.

Resolution #15:  Stop.  Seriously.  Just stop.  In this constantly busy ever moving world, keeping things moving is about the most important thing aCharles_R._Knight_New_Years's_Card person can do. Busy equals strong most ways that are important as far as I see it. But no one can do it like that without a break.  So when things get too damn stressed, just put the brakes on.

Resolution # 16:  Tell the corporate world to go fuck itself… in such a way that they give me great heaving gobs of money to do it.  #Occupycomedy perhaps?

Resolution #17:  Be kind to strangers.  Because you can’t really get to loathe someone until you get to know them.

Resolution #18:  Start a Death Metal band.  Name it “Joe”  

Resolution #19: Don’t Die. I have this one on the list every year. So far, so good.

Resolution #20: Drink more alcohol. I have not had one single drink during all of 2012.  Not a single one.  Not bad for an alcoholic.  So technically having one beer would make this one a reality.  I think I can do it, without drinking so much that I almost crap my liver out the next morning.  Control is good.

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That’s it from here, America.  Gnight.

You Don’t Need to Know but I’m Telling You Anyway

Pic of the day: Peulik Volcano and Lake Becharof in Becharof National Wildlife Reserve, Alaska

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Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

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Mitt Romney is ahead in the polls.  Looks like I was right when I said that this thing is far from over two weeks ago.  The man seems to have gotten a bump from not just his debate win last week but also his moving his message to the middle, taking it from the far right.  He is doing message wise much of what Obama did in 2008, moving his message to the middle in order to get votes from moderates.

I don’t particularly have a problem with him doing that.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that his message until now has been so far from that moderate viewpoint that I cannot believe that it is genuine.  When Obama made his move to the middle 4 years ago it was not nearly as far of a stretch.  He was despite being called the most liberal man in the senate back then, he was actually pretty moderate in his senate voting record.  You can look that up yourself if you like.

With all that said, all the events that have occurred do not mean that Romney has this thing wrapped up either.  Obama, like Romney has a large base of voters that will vote for him simply because of the party he is affiliated with.  Between the two of them they get approximately 90% of the population that way.  It’s that last 10% that makes the difference in the election.  And it is that last 10% that will make of break the next few weeks.

Romney got them looking in his direction by being a great CEO at the debate.  Obama played professor and lost.  If Obama turns on the juice and shows what he can do, like he did in the debates in 2008, He’ll do much to fix the damage he did to himself in that debate.

It doesn’t help Romney that he had to roll back several things that he said in the debate because they were lies.

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Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

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Two more days of work for the year.  After Friday I won’t be back there until January 2013, because that is the way the contract that the union signed with the company I work for says it must.  I don’t mind, I’d like full time work there though.  Happy to have worked there for as long as I have, and hopeful that next year will bring me permanent employment there.  But I am out on my ass for now, and looking for work.

I’ll find something.

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Writing every day putting story ideas together for Nanowrimo.  I’m gonna do that for 3 or 4 more days then find a story that is the most interesting and outline that for a week or two and then write it.  Lots of political and sci-fi and horror story ideas bouncing around my evil head.  Wonder if I should do a mix of several of them, or even mix all three.  Damn that would be weird, and obtuse, and not just a little fun.

I’ll keep you posted.  Cause I’m like that.  You don’t need to know but I’m telling you anyway.

So there.

😛

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And I’m telling you something else.

FUCK ROMNEY, VOTE FOR ME!  A vote for me is a vote against the established Republican order!  I promise that my first job when I become your Lord and Master President  is to repeal the law of gravity and to make Mexico illegal!

If I need to appoint a supreme court justice, I’ll pick some multimillionaire lawyer well known judge who is a real dick  a pillar of society and put him on the payroll make him the pick.  That’s what everyone else does, so why the hell not?

I will repeal Obamacare and replace it with FuckyoucareFuckyoucare is a proposal whose main point is simple.  Get sick? FUCK YOU!  Can’t pay your insurance premiums? FUCK YOU!  Need a break? FUCK YOU! Insurance companies are more important than you are.  Don’t like it? FUCK YOU!

I also promise to lie cheat steal, and fuck over as many people as I possibly can and make as much money for me and people who know me as I possibly can.  Why? Because I am an honest man!  I tell you that up front because I don’t want you thinking that the President is a good guy and then you find out later he’s a hater who just wanted to take advantage of you!  No conspiracy!  No bullshit!  The truth!

Vote Walsh/Some Other Fucking Lunatic 2012!

Plus Romney likes Mondays, that idiot (note definition above.)

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

Words by George Carlin

Pic of the day, part i:  The Plague of Ashdod, by  Nicolas Poussin

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Today’s paintings, as always, are for the people who love the art.  As I have been doing of late, the art is from the Louvre, and it is going to be that way for a while.  There is enough great art there in my current 2 painting a day format to keep me at this for a long time with art from there.  As long as there is great art that I can share, I will share it.

Enjoy the art, enjoy the Carlin quotes, enjoy the video and have a good night.

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4 years ago today, the best comedian this side of anywhere died.  George Carlin was about the funniest comedian the world has ever seen. The quotes here today are an homage to him.  I would add commentary, but he was vastly better at it than I, so I’ll let him speak this night, though he is dead and I am very much alive.

Plus, the dead fuck is still funnier than I am.  That motherfucker.

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Viddy of the day:  George Carlin on Our Similarities.

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America’s leading industry, America’s most profitable business, is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. And the sad part is, that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen – not true. Bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit is rampant. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full…of…shit – this entire country. This entire country is completely full of shit, and always has been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit. Because, think of how we started. Think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and niggers and women, right? I always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding, slave-owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now, that is what’s known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these fuckin’ cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse!

George Carlin, You are all diseased

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Pic of the day, part ii: Vanity, by unknown

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Now if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in “Japanese Americans 1942” and you’ll find out all about your precious fucking rights, Okay? All right. You know about it. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That’s all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had: “Right this way” into the internment camps! Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away! And rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn’t care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It’s interested in its own power. That’s the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.

George Carlin, It’s Bad for Ya

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

2012 Irrelevant Resolutions

2011 is over! I tell you I won’t miss 2011, now that 2012 is here.  2011 sucked!  I had 5 separate jobs.  Five.  Not that I mind working, I love to work, but having 5 jobs means that I had no stability in those jobs whatsoever, and that sucks!

A lot of the resolutions I made last year just didn’t work.  I didn’t write for money.  Never called my representative to tell him he is a shithead, and I never got to tell Glenn Beck to fuck himself.

I’m such a slacker.

One resolution I did nail was the resolution to run a lot.  Ran over 2100 miles, ran over 20 miles like I resolved to do.

Which is nice and all, but….

The time has come to make this years resolutions.  Let the irrelevancy begin!

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Resolution #1: Belch.  Belch like no one has ever belched before.  Make booger here look like a rookie.

Resolution #2:  Start a fight with corporate America.  Sure I can’t beat them, there’s a bazillion of them, and one of me, and they have a grillion dollars to my… 22 bucks … sumthin like that, and they buy political influence the way I buy milk, but so what?  I have something they don’t have.  I don’t know what it is, but I hope what the hell ever it is helps, ’cause I don’t feel like getting my ass kicked at this point in my life.

Resolution #3:  Get a full time job.  Finding work has been a priority since the dickheads that fired me in 2009 made my life a living hell.  I have work now.  The problem?  It’s freelance work.  If they need me 5 days a week, I get a real paycheck.  If they don’t need me, I don’t work.  That SUCKS!  I’ve had enough of that hairy high school horseshit.  Full time or bust!

Resolution #4: Keep the Christmas tree up all year.

Resolution #5:  Run a race.  I am a runner (just in case you missed that), and I could have run one last year, but I tweaked a hamstring and that killed the one chance I had at running that race.  I love running, and racing is fun.

Resolution #6:  Write a book.  Note I do not say “write a bestseller” or even “write a decent book”  It could be a god-awful piece of shit, but dammit, I want to write a book.  OK, I hope it isn’t a truly god-awful piece of shit, but the worse it is, the better it’ll sell, if I know the tastes (if you can call it taste) of my countrymen (and women) at all.

Resolution #7:  Beat the crap out of a marketing executive.  People who work in marketing are evil.  Evil must be fought.  If all the good people of the world took up the cause, and beat the shit out of just one of these evil cretins, the world would be a much better place.  Join the cause.

Resolution #8:  Punch a random stranger in the face. Ya, that is wrong.  But if I had a dollar for every wrong thing in the world, I’d have a lot of money I did not really deserve.  And i’d be part of the 1%.

Resolution #9:  Stop all unnecessary violence in the world.

Resolution #10 :  Teach a fish to juggle.

Resolution #11:   Learn Irish Gaelic.  OK, I know a bare minimum of the language, I would like to be able to speak it, actually have a conversation in the langauge of my forefathers.  While I’m at it, learn Polish as well.  I have polish blood, t’would be nice if I learned that language as well.

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A very old author discoursing upon Irishmen, says, ” Where Irishmen are good, it is impossible to find better, where they are bad, it is impossible to find worse.” I am afraid we have got to this alternative. Treachery was never the character of Irishmen. Courage and intrepidity were their characteristics. Every creature is taught to fight, but boldly and fairly.

The Earl of Clonwell, 1796

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Resolution #12:  Start and /or join a band.  I’ve been playing guitar since 1983.  I’m good, dammit.  I should be in a band and use that musicality of mine.

Resolution #13:  Start my own company.  I have no Idea what the hell that company would do, but dammit, maybe doing that makes me more money than just working for evil assholes who hate paying me, and think that health benefits for employees are an extravagant privilege.  This one needs a lot of work, but then again, so do I.

Resolution #14:  Piss off a conservative.  That’s pretty easy. They’re sensitive little ass clowns, pouty drunk fucks the lot of them.

🙂

Resolution #15:  Learn to be nice.  Or at least find someone who has the right drugs that will help me get there.  Because after 44 years on this earth, I have found that I simply cannot fake nice, and that I’m about as subtle as a nuclear explosion, and that doesn’t exactly lend itself to “nice”.

Resolution #16:  Eat healthier.  Wait… what the hell is an honest to J.R. “Bob” Dobbs resolution doing here????  Well I do eat a boatload of unhealthy crap.  Ring dings are NOT a food group, no matter how hard I try to make them one.  I really do have to work on that.

Resolution #17:  Learn to drive.  I love cars.  They are, some of them, truly works of art, some of the most sublime beauty mankind has created is in the form of automobiles.  But they are evil, at least to me they are.  I hate them, I would much rather just stay home than drive, but it is becoming obvious that I have no choice.  I need to do this.  Dammit.

Resolution #18:  Invade Iran.  Oh wait, that’s Rick Santorum’s resolution.  Sorry.  My bad.

Resolution #19:  Don’t Die.  That would ruin my weekend.

Resolution #20:  Get rich.  This poverty shit really sucks. And the rich fat bastards never learned to share, so I gotta go steal earn it myself.

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.