The year 2012 had it’s ups and downs. There was not nearly not enough work for me, making it hard to pay the bills. The Yankees did not win the world series. Again. Dick Cheney did not spontaneously burst into flames for the 71st year in a row. My older cat learned to shit in the hallway. A lot. The Mayans, as usual, were wrong and the world did not dissolve into nothingness and humanity didn’t come to an end.
Don’t ya hate when that happens? Me too.
There were good things though. Mitt Romney tried to anally rape the average American by trying to buy the election, but fortunately for us, the body politic has ways of shutting that whole thing down. Eli Manning and Co. won their second super bowl. I kept the Christmas lights up most of the year.
Frankly even with the good stuff that happened, I’m glad to see the end of 2012.
Which brings me to the 4th annual festival of WTF, that bastion of bullshit, that cavalcade of crap, the 2013 Irrelevant resolutions!
If any of this mostly silly, and only occasionally serious crap strikes your fancy, by all means take it with you and call it your own!
Resolution #1: Get large sums of money. Note I used the word get and not make. No one has ever, and from past experience I know no one will ever pay me large sums of money. It would be nice if I could earn enough money to be able to keep myself and my wife from having to sweat the end of the month showing up. Winning the lottery would be nice, but I figure that only family members of the people who run the lottery ever win those damn things, so ‘l have to do it the old fashioned way and rob some fat rich fuck and run like hell.
Resolution #2: Get a permanent job. I have been temping and freelancing for the better part of four years and frankly I’m sick to death of it. I want to know who I have to have sex with to get a job, what do I have to do them with? No one has answered this vitally important question for me, and it’s beginning to piss me off.
Resolution #3: Write a book. I said I was going to do this one last year, and never did. Not for lack of trying. I have thousands of words that form a cogent and coherent story on a computer in this very room. Unfortunately that computer turned into a brick on me, damn thing stopped working the week of Thanksgiving, so I can’t do a damn thing with any of those 38,000+ words. Maybe the old computer couldn’t handle the story. Maybe I should have surfed for porn like everyone else instead. Would’ve at least gotten something out of it then.
Resolution #4: Watch more (shitty) television. I do not watch Sons of Anarchy. I do not watch the walking dead. Whenever I go places and meet people, they invariably talk about these silly sounding shows. So just to stay in conversations with people I like I may have to. Because they don’t talk about much else. Elitist fuckers. Maybe I should just try meeting a better brand of biker zombie.
Resolution #5: Stop being so judgmental.
Resolution #6: Beat the shit out of at least one elected official. The government is watching me, they surveil everyone, so why not get their attention by saying some crazy outlandish silly stupid bullshit. This particular statement is not actually a resolution, I’m not the violent type per se, this is just me saying hello to the boys and girls down at homeland security. This statement is meant to make at least one of those nosy fuck bastards earn at least one paycheck this year. Lazy pricks.
Resolution #7: Bring out the best in America. Walk the width and breadth of this great land, and with a happy hearty smile, a twinkle in my eye, and a warm handshake, greet everyone regardless of lifestyle, circumstance or political stripe and wish them a happy day. And hope they don’t beat the crap out of me for bothering them like that, because America don’t like that kinda thing any more. They’re much more interested in their iPads, their stupid looking skinny jeans and this weeks latest uninformed political conspiracy.
Resolution #8: Have sex. I’m a married man. It can happen.
Resolution #9: Spend at least one day this year where I do not look at a single screen. Every day I spend hours and hours staring at either computer, tablet or television screens. At the best of times most of it seems to be nothing more than vapid horse manure. It maybe enjoyable watching all of it, but it isn’t exactly life enriching. Why not stop watching for a minute and see what happens?
Resolution #10: Run. For those of you who do not know, and that would be the entire population of the earth minus the few family and friends that care about such things, I am a runner. What even these few do not know is that I have spent most of the last three months not running. My running shoes are worn the hell out, my knees calves and hamstrings were worn the hell out, as was my lower back. But the time off has done away with the physical issues, and if it were not for the shoes I would be back out there now. I’m going to be a runner again. I promise.
Resolution #11: Run for office. OK, writing the things I wrote here kinda preclude my ever being able to do this one, but a man can dream, can’t he?
Resolution #12: Fart in the bathtub while listening to patriotic music. Might even fart the star spangled banner. God bless America. Doesn’t freedom smell great?
Resolution #13: Use the word “cliff” in a sentence without using the word “fiscal” in that same sentence. Haven’t been able to all year. I know I have it in me. Well, I might… ummm…. crap. We’ll see. I dunno about this one.
Resolution #14: Use the name John Boehner in a sentence without using the words “douchebag” “whiner” “Cry baby” or “stupid orange fuck” in the same sentence. Personally I’m not holding out much hope on this one, but I can try.
Resolution #15: Stop. Seriously. Just stop. In this constantly busy ever moving world, keeping things moving is about the most important thing a person can do. Busy equals strong most ways that are important as far as I see it. But no one can do it like that without a break. So when things get too damn stressed, just put the brakes on.
Resolution # 16: Tell the corporate world to go fuck itself… in such a way that they give me great heaving gobs of money to do it. #Occupycomedy perhaps?
Resolution #17: Be kind to strangers. Because you can’t really get to loathe someone until you get to know them.
Resolution #18: Start a Death Metal band. Name it “Joe”
Resolution #19: Don’t Die. I have this one on the list every year. So far, so good.
Resolution #20: Drink more alcohol. I have not had one single drink during all of 2012. Not a single one. Not bad for an alcoholic. So technically having one beer would make this one a reality. I think I can do it, without drinking so much that I almost crap my liver out the next morning. Control is good.
That’s it from here, America. Gnight.