What can I say about 2016 that hasn’t been said by some vacuous feeble-minded jackass who needs a hug from his mommy? Not much, those bastards blabber on at a loose end and don’t know how to shut up.
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you surprised things went funny last year? I mean the CUBS won the world series! John the Apostle wrote about this shit in Revelations, kids. I believe he wrote about it just before the opening of the fourth seal and the granting of one quarter of the earth to Death, who rides a pale horse… Which explains all the dead stars lately. Oof.
Note: The fifth seal has vengeance written all over it and has stuff with people in ‘White Robes.’ Sound Republican enough for you? That occurs January 20th, In Washington D.C.
With all that said, I think the planet will at least last through the year, so therefore I think it makes sense to make some resolutions.
To improve myself.
Ya know, just in case things work out and the planet doesn’t burst into flames.
ON TO THE RESOLUTIONS!
IN 2017, I HEREBY RESOLVE TO:
Enjoy Life Less: Because we tried enjoying it more last year, and what happened? Donald Fucking Trump. ‘Nuf said.
Gain weight: There aren’t enough fat lazy fucks on planet earth, and it’s my job to set things aright.
Spend money foolishly: Who needs fiscal responsibility when there is so much shiny shit that goes beep for no readily apparent reason? There are superhero movies to watch and distract myself from the woes of the real world with, New phones and computers with games that go ping to distract me from the state of the world, and clothes with logos on them that cost insane amounts of money that help to enslave workers in third world countries! Why should I save money? Fuck that shit!
Start a Civil War in the United States: (Note to my friends in the NSA and the FBI and the CIA and the KGB: I’m kidding! Love you guys! Don’t Shoot!) Do you expect me to try and start one in Upper Mongolia? Those yaks are pretty happy over there. We’re the ones with the fat,pissy people who are enjoying life less and buying too much crap for their own good, so why not? I mean the KGB, the CIA, and the NSA are all pushing things in that direction anyway (We’ll end up with MORE power afterwards, so why not fuck everyone so hard they fight back and get rid of OUR enemies and make us stronger? is their view, I’m guessing.)
Plus the name of this blog is Casus Belli which is Latin for Cause of the War
I kind of have to say that shit.
Increase the amount of stress in my life: With the impending knock on the door from the FBI thanks to that last resolution, I’m sure I just handled that one. I like to keep things easy, kids.
But then again, maybe I need to…
Relax: With all the off time I’m going to have this year, all 20 minutes of it, I’m going to need to learn to relax. Or maybe just keep running around like a maniac until I fall down. That sounds pleasant.
Put a Hex on every major team in every major sport on earth: If my team can’t win, then fuck all you people.
Teach an octopus to juggle: I mean c’mon. They’re smart and they have eight fucking arms. Tentacles, arms, six of one, half a dozen of the other. They should be naturals at this crap.
Teach myself to juggle: I mean c’mon. I’ve got six less arms less than an octopus, but I come from the species that came up with this stupid shit, and with that 20 minutes of free time scheduled sometime in July, why not?
Run for Political office: What’s my platform? Fuck you is my platform. Let me show you:
Press: Do you plan to Cut Social Security?
Me: Fuck You.
Press: The Chinese are planning on sanctions on the U.S. What will our response be?
Me: Fuck you.
Press: Are you fucking with us?
Me: Fuck you.
That shit works.
Walk into a spider web that no one can see, freak the fuck out, cause strangers to think I am insane and trying to beat up imaginary beasts that are attacking me out of nowhere, have it immortalized on the internet: Because doesn’t that sound like fun?
Hit every wall I come near with a hammer: Walls suck. Fuck walls. I might bring nails with me to make it worse. And plus it sounds like fun and fits the whole make it look like I’m nuts motif I started with that spider web bullshit.
Write quality fiction and sell it: After I teach myself to juggle during those 20 free minutes, I’ll take five of those minutes and write 200,000 words about an octopus who teaches himself to juggle. It can happen. If you’re really high and thinking about it. Badly.
Write something funny: That bullshit I just wrote was supposed to be funny. It wasn’t was it? No? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Ich bin ein arschloch.
Write something coherent: I would but that would simply set a dangerous precedent. Can’t have that.
Cut the shit: Seriously, just cut the shit, OK?
Drink coffee, walk in circles, mumble incoherently and cackle at my cats for no readily apparent reason: THAT’S more like it!
Impress the boss and my co-workers with my communication skills: Which would involve learning how to talk. Not my strong suit. I type well. Talking is for politicians, supervisors and other self abusive lunatics. I write. It’s more leisurely and I’m more able to make precise points. And I can EDIT. The jokes don’t get any better, not without hiring a professional joke writer. There was more I wanted to communicate there but… oh fuck it.
Don’t Die: Do this one every year. So far, so good.
Quote of the day: Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It’s as simple as that. The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? ~ George Carlin, Doin’ it Again / Explicit Lyrics, 1990