Just Stay Home

Walking down the street at 2:00 pm near the school is a little like walking through a maze.  There are a million cars around the neighborhood, all jockeying for the best parking places, so the carnivores can swoop in and get their children from the best possible position while talking on their smart phones and putting on their make-up.  At the same time.  It seems like they are desperate enough try anything to get a better parking place while texting, which makes it important to not trust them or their driving skills.

It is because of these nut jobs that the streets around my neighborhood are not safe.

Because they don’t care about anything but the parking spot, and secondly their children.  Get in their way and your life is forfeit.  Even if you are crossing at a corner.  One of them damn near got me today, walking across the street.  I look in one direction, to my left, up the hill.  There is nothing coming down the hill.  I can see the traffic at the top of the hill driving both left and right, a white semi crossing  the intersection going west.  I look in the other direction, to my right, down the hill.  The stop light 2 blocks away, the closest light to me, is red, and there is no traffic coming.  A black dodge ram is the only car I can see at the light.

I walk across the street, having no one coming in any direction.  After a few steps I hear a car coming towards me from behind.  Now, dear reader, you and I both know what a car engine sounds like when the driver is slowing down.  The car behind me made no such noise.  And the driver hit the horn, like I am somehow holding up this person from their important business.

Not these sunglasses, these are nice

I don’t need to win this battle.  Cars weigh in excess of 1 ton.  I weigh 165 pounds, after a filling meal and a frosty beverage.  So I  jog across the street, not easy with sore hamstrings and feet, tired after running for an hour and a half.  I can feel the breeze of the car, which I find out after this loon turns is a black SUV, driven by someone who wears those sunglasses.  You know the ones, the ones that say “I hate my life.  I want to be a Kardashian, even if those bitches look like raccoons in love with botox!”

Nut job never tried to even slow down.  And the driver yells at me as she passes “MOVE IT ASSHOLE” with a phone in her hand held up to her ear on top it.  Sounded vaguely like Phyllis Diller.

My reaction is to bark out “LEARN TO DRIVE, JACKASS.”  I would say I can’t believe someone would drive like that that close to a school, but I’ve seen these derps before, and the behavior, while stupid, is in fact par for the course.  Wouldn’t slow down, driving while talking on the phone, clear disregard for a pedestrian who has the right of way.

It was worth a laugh.  A block later she pulled her car into a parking spot, across the street from the school where all the 8 years are waiting for their loving mothers, AKA bat shit crazy shitty drivers, to pick them up.  And hopefully not kill them in an accident on the way home.

Moral of the story:  Never walk near cars around schoolsDon’t cross the street, everRun after dark, the crazy people are home at that pointDon’t let mom drive, she’s insaneJust stay home.


That’s it from here, America.  G’night.