Shallower?


Pic of the day:  Boats and Moon, By Katsushika Hokusai

___________________________

I don’t offhand recall why exactly the thought came up.  I was running when it happened, and I tend to mull over the more important issues in my life when I run, because I think most clearly and creatively when I am running. It’s part of the reason I love to run, one of thousands.  But while I was running I was struck with a very deep and profound nihilism.  It manifested itself to me first with a stark ambivalence about my work that I did not know existed in my heart.  I’m going to go over, and beyond the thread of that initial thought here.

I understand the reason for it though.  It is in my head that I will find out soon whether the people at my job want me around enough to hire me full time, and I now realize that I am not as confident about it, or myself in my work as I once thought I was.  So it seems that I am, to protect myself psychologically from the potential shock of yet another disappointment on the job front, disassociating myself from the job.

Then I ended up thinking of things that push my mind away, then towards the possibility of that loss.  Personalizing small events that occur at work and turning them into a reason for them to want me around, or not want me around if I’m feeling like that.  Then I get annoyed as hell because I always tell myself I’m not the kind of person who thinks this kind of thing.

Seemed to me that thinking these things while I was running was my way of getting crap out of my system, crap that was a real annoyance and not right for me.

Why am I feeling ambivalent about my work, beyond the simple “I might lose my job.” bullshit?  There is something deeper(or shallower?) than that there. I run through my mind every emotion I had felt over the last few months on the job and came away amazed.  I have a profoundly negative view of the job when I break it down, negativity I did not want to admit to myself existed.  Looking back, there are a great many points in the day that have me feeling the exact same way that working in office services did.

I was shocked.  And then I asked why I felt that way.  I asked myself if it was the work that did it, was it people, was it me that had me feeling the same way about this job as I did about the job I did for over 2 decades? I found after thinking about each person there that there were elements of each that were at play, and more.

There are people at every job that are assholes. Can’t be helped, it’s as inevitable as the sunrise that you’ll work for and with assholes.  There are portions of the job that are truly fucking tedious.  Paperwork is makework, it is evil, it is stupid, it is useless, it is pointless, it is wrong, only the devil, corporate CEO’s, and their cunt flunkies could possibly give a monkey fuck about them.  There is a better way, this is the 21st century, dependence on 5th century chinese technology (printing) is antiquated and wrong.  And I just have a bad attitude about work somedays.

But I also found that being out of work had given me a view of a world that I desperately want to be a part of.  One where I was not constrained by schedule, where I could get everything done that I needed on my time, not someone else’s.  To have to go and do it for them when they want me to grates the nerves.  Entirely greedy on a personal level, I know, but dammit there has to be a way, or put another way;

Boo-hoo, poor Mikey has to set his alarm clock and other such statements.  😛

Never show a slave the key to his chains, and a path to freedom, or that slave will dream of nothing but that key forevermore, and is never a slave again.  And every time I think of that freedom to do what I want when I want, it pushed happiness further and further away.

Freedom gained and lost.  That was the real reason for my dilemma.  Is money, not great money mind you, just a paycheck that may keep me out of the poorhouse, but never buy me a home, high enough a price to pay for my time?  Why is freedom of movement (for lack of a better term) something you must give up in order to live in this society?  Who decided that should be part of the social contract?

People have said it for as long as I have lived, and for ages before.  There has to be a better way.

Dammit, I need a full time permanent job so I get rid of some of this bullshit that’s dancing between my ears.

_________________________

That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

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