Great feelings take with them their own universe, splendid or abject. They light up with their passion an exclusive world in which they recognize their climate. There is a universe of jealousy, of ambition, of selfishness or generosity. A universe — in other words a metaphysic and an attitude of mind.
Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus
I’m a bit more tense than normal lately. Money issues. Bills are coming due this week and next. The part time job thing is just really not working out, I’ve only worked 5 hours in the last 2 weeks. That isn’t part time, that’s no time. That is unemployed. Speaking of uemployment, that money is running out, I have less than 2 weeks left cash-wise before that well runs dry. I have my bankruptcy proceeding coming up in 2 weeks. Gotta pay those people soon as well. Got news I was not wanting but expecting, that the job I had interviewed for on Monday had gone to someone else.
I have been banging away at the job boards. Monster? Indeed? Simply hired? Craigslist? Nothing from them, not a single posting I could even semi-conceivably use to get a job. Careerbuilder? Sent in 15 over the last 2 days. They seem to, for some reason, have more than anyone else. Not that I get a lot of bites from them, but they have more to choose from. Sent e-mail and resumes to a few employment agencies. They have been just as bad as the sites I’ve mentioned, but maybe things are better with them nowadays. It has been a while since I used one of these agencies, maybe things are better now than they were before.
Doubt it though.
Sisyphus must roll his stone, and I as well. I remember reading Albert Camus, saying in the book “The Myth of Sisyphus” that he thought Sisyphus a happy man at his task. That the task itself, the struggle for the heights brings pleasure.
Sisyphus, like I, never struggled for the heights, we struggle to get away from the abyss, and the falling back into it, to try to get out again, rather than bringing pleasure, is agonizing. And every time the stone falls again into the pit, your heart runs away with the stone and you chase it, in hopes that it will not fall all the way down into it.
But it always does.
Having rolled that stone for far too long myself, I’d have that dead bastard know he was insanely wrong. It is unwanted labor, meant to cause sorrow and heartbreak by the gods who visited it upon him. It is the same with me. If there is joy it is not in the labor, but in the hiding from it, the knwoing that at least I have a secure (for the moment) place where I can, at moments forget what I have done to myself (all actions that happen to me here are, in some way, my own doing) and lose myself, in mind if not in body, away from it all.
So. Again. Roll the stone. No happiness. Grim faced determination to not let it happen again. Just keep moving. It can’t last forever. For sisyphus it can, for me at least, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will find a way out. There are no gods to curse me. No real stone to roll. Just bad luck, if such a thing is real.
Tension will subside. In time.
Hyperbole, yes, but I like it. Extreme in statement of my emotional state, perhaps, but since when is that a bad thing? Better to overstate the case than understate it. Subtleties would be missed if I were too understated.
How far would you have read if I had said “sucks being unemployed” and left it at that? 🙂
That’s it from here, America. Have a good night.