1) I would promise to find everyone a job. People need money, and they like to feel like they are doing something good for themselves, so this is always a good one to toss out there. If anyone asks how it’s simple. If I am speaking to a republican crowd, I’ll tell them I’ll cut taxes to spur growth. This stupid line of bullshit works every time on them, no matter how little actually gets done. When I’m talking to democrats, a handy answer is subsidies of some sort for local businesses, and is as effective with Dems as the tax line is with republicans.
And srsly, jobs are created by business, not legislators. Get the hell over it.
2) I would promise to “cut the fat” from government. This is vague enough of a promise that I could do literally anything and it will count as cutting fat, even if it adds fat elsewhere. Most people don’t pay attention enough to politics so when they hear this, they generally believe it. Idiots.
3) I won’t kowtow to special interests. Clearly bullshit, as anyone who gets into politics has special interests so far up their asses that they look more like mannequins than people, but it sounds good. And I’m getting paid. Fuck it.
4) I would promise to fight crime. No I won’t wear a cape. But I might wear a mask, I’m an ugly bastard. And if the mood is right I just might promise to personally beat the shit out of every criminal in my jurisdiction. I mean, c’mon, I have a mask on, I kinda have to at that point, don’t I?
5) I would promise to cut the cost of health care. I’m not sure exactly how to do this. Doctors make lots of money, and charge unhealthy amounts of money for occasionally shoddy work. They work with insanely complicated equipment that costs a bazillion dollars and takes years of training to work properly. They are the reason health care costs so fucking much. What am I gonna do, ask them to cut prices a little bit, pretty please? MMmmmmmmmmmaybe. And maybe I’d put in cost maximums into the law.
6) I would promise to bring greater transparency to government. I’d make it a point to not just make government transparent, but understandable. One way to make transparency turn opaque is to give a ton of information with no roadmap to make it understandable. Aaaaand for the dumber members of my constituency I would pass an ordinance to force legislators to wear see-through clothing.
Government of the supermodels, for the supermodels, by the supermodels, anyone?
7) I would promise to fight for same sex marriage, Abortion rights, and the continuation of the separation of church and state. This will piss off stodgy old bastards, Glenn Beck, and other misguided maniacs. Fuck’em, this is America, to fuck around with these is to fuck around with freedom. Not on my watch.
8 ) I would promise not to cry like some incompetent whiny ass congressbitch from Ohio whose name rhymes with complainer. ‘Nuff said.
Enough silliness out of me, America. Go to sleep.