Idiots Prayer

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

Susan B. Anthony


The Idiots prayer. (AKA, what people REALLY want to pray for)

Help me win the Lottery, oh Lord, giveth me good numbers so that I can get exactly what I want whenever I want and never have to work hard another day in my life.

Grant me the strength to drink 100 beers while watching all my sports teams win, so that I may feel the joy of drunken sports exhilaration, and stick it to those obnoxious bastards who don’t root for my favorite teams.  The bastards.

Oh, yeah, and no hangover afterwards.

Give unto me, almighty one, that dark haired girl in the corner, get her to want me.  And get her to wiggle her… ample hind quarters again like she did about 20 minutes ago.  That was a miracle that, Oh lord, I could use more of in my life.

Please lord, grant unto me, a really nice house in a place that doesn’t look like crap, or have leaky pipes, or neighbors that try to steal my garbage cans, my hubcaps and my dignity, and can I have it in a neighborhood that I don’t have to walk down in fear at night?  For that sucketh, oh Lord, that really sucketh.  Verily.


If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts.

Bertrand Russell, Religion and Science


Viddy of the day: A funny viddy from Mad tv, with George Carlin, a bit titled Touched by an Atheist.  Enjoy!


Bring to me wisdom and intellect that I have not now, so that I may help all the world out of it’s misery… and also so that I can impress people with my wit.  Or make them dumber lord, which ever is easier.

Give unto me an anti tank missile launcher, oh lord, so that I may deal with that annoying neighbor down the street with that damn loud car stereo (sorry for cursing lord, it really annoys me though!), and the house parties that set off alarms at three A.M. when I am trying to sleep.

Almighty, bless me with health and a long happy life, so that my life may be less filled with pain and sickness, but mostly so that I can eat what ever I want to whenever I want to without repercussions.

Lord, could you also get me a new computer, one that automatically upgrades itself with the best newest hardware whenever it comes out, with no cost to me, and get me new music whenever I desire it, and a new Ipod, and a direct line to Steve Jobs, so I can get it for free, and every new game console and game that does not suck, as well.

Hey, while your at it, could you give all those whose political views differ from mine the clap? Great!

And while your at it, could you peel me a grape?

Thanks, get in touch when your done with that list, I have more stuff for you to do.



G’night America!


One thought on “Idiots Prayer

  1. This actually started out as a serious post, and just devolved to the point where I got rid of the serious stuff and kept the dumb funny crap. It happens! 🙂

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