I Am Going To Shoot This Computer

 I have bought this wonderful machine- a computer. Now I am rather an authority on gods, so I identified the machine- it seems to me to be an Old Testament god with a lot of rules and no mercy. 

Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 


The proper tool to reprogram the unruly computer in your life.


As I begin here, I must tell you that it has taken rather longer to just get to this point in this article than it should have.  After I turned on the computer and logged on, I opened up both IE and Firefox.  On Firefox I had Facebook running, and On IE, I had WordPress, Google, Wikiquote and Youtube running.  I’ve not ever had a problem doing what I was doing.  This time however the damn thing decided to run so slow that it made me snarl and nearly threaten it, then thought better of threatening violence in the general direction of an inanimate object. Better to just beat the damn thing and be done with it. 

It had issues that caused firefox to stop responding, despite the fact that I had it running in the background and wasn’t using it.  I presumed that I used too much memory or something.  Maybe it was something else entirely, but that isn’t the point.  The point is that the puter took a giant shit that even affected stuff that I wasn’t using at that point in time.   

Now when I went to look up quotes, not exactly the most memory exhaustive thing one could do on a computer, it took way too long to just pull up a simple page with a few quotes on it.  Youtube? Forget it.  That was a waste of time.  This viddy isn’t. 

So I rebooted the computer.  Or I tried to.  The damn thing seized up on me at that moment.  Expletives began flying here, enough to get my wife’s attention, who normally ignores me when I tell the computer to fcuk off.  Apparently I was in full throat tonight.  🙂  She asked if everything was alright.  I think I snarled, cursed a bit, and said the damnthing wasn’t working.  When the computer is working its “The Puter”(pronounced “pooter”), when it has a fit like tonight, it’s “the Damnthing”.  

I hit Ctrl-alt-del.  Nothing.  I hit it again.  Nada.  I hit it a third, fourth, fifth time.  Nein!  As you can tell, at this point I am angered just a hair here.  I must be fun to watch when this happens, because I believe I heard my wife giggle when I pointed at the screen and told the damnthing to “cut the shit or I’ll beat yer ass”.  Admittedly from my current vantage point, yes, it’s silly and its funny and it’s stupid, but I gotta tell ya I was in no mood for anything at that point. 

It finally opened up the screen that gave me options to get to the Task manager.  Which decided to simply not open.  CTRL-ALT-DEL DAMMIT, 

At least I didn't have to look at this crap.


CTRL-ALT-DEL.  I tried to open the task manager again.  I opened this time.  And it said everything was working.  No “not responding” no nothing.  Puter thought everything was A-OK. 

I wasn’t fooled.  I had it shut down the computer.  Which surprisingly worked.  Left it off for a minute, more for me than the evil computer of doom that had thwarted me from simply watching a viddy and getting a quote from wikiquote.  I seemed to have defeated the evil puter monster. 

And then when I went to go put the video here that I wanted.  The damn thing would not work.  I tried it several times. I f5’ed the screen.  Nothing.  I closed the tab and reopened youtube in another tab.  Nada.  I closed down all the tabs, reopened IE (which is probably the issue to begin with, just using IE) Nein. 

At which point I just gave up with the video.  Which was from Fora.tv, which is titled “Internet politics: Can blogs discourage activism?”  I was going to disagree with the point, but at this point, the only thing I don’t disagree with is that I will, at some point in my life, shoot this computer. 


The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place, and continues to do so today. 

Douglas Adams, 1995 

I haven’t watched this viddy, yet.  I will later.  Leo Laporte is a good host, and the Windows Weekly shows he does with Paul Thurrott are always a good listen, when I get a chance to listen to it.  It’s from the TWIT network, which means it’s techy, and it’s good. And it’s here because it has the words “HE’S GOT A GUN” as part of the title.  I like that! 


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