If you don’t know what you should resolve to do this year, here are a few of mine. Feel free to borrow mine and pretend you did them yourself.
Resolution #1: Make fun of people.
Resolution #2: Get a f****** Job.
Resolution#3: After getting the job, don’t get fired by that bunch of evil corporate assholes who won’t pay me nearly enough for the job I do.
Resolution #4: Run a whole lot. Minimum 1,500 miles…. but not all at once, do it over the course of the year. All at once might hurt.
Resolution #5: Buy something nice for my wife, completely at random for no readily apparent reason, just to be nice. I believe it is based on a concept called “Being Romantic” It’s worth a shot, why the f*** not?
Resolution #7: Write something important. Barring that, Write something worth reading. Barring that, write something sane. Barring that, Rant like a nutjob off his meds.
Resolution#8: Make love. This one will, I think, most probably be tied to resolution #5 in some way. It may well happen more than once if I meet the requirements for resolutions #2 and 3. It won’t happen immediately after working on #4. That resolution makes me smell funny.
Resolution #9: Play a lot of guitar. With the lack of work , and owning a guitar, I will have a lot of time for this, so this one is kind of a fait accompli. Consider it done.
Resolution #10: Get paid for something I like doing. How much and by who is entirely up to fate, but one hopes for large quantities of money for completely legal activities that are only marginally unethical. But if it is illegal and/or insanely unethical, i won’t sweat it too much if the money’s right.
Resolution #11: Fart and Burp.
Resolution #12: Find a cure for Aids, Cancer, H1N1, the common cold, stupidity, angst, hate, ugliness, evil, and most everything else that needs a cure. Barring that, seek out the ills of the world, and fight them, and help those who fight them. Barring that, Make at least one loudmouth who thinks he knows how to fix the worlds ills (but clearly doesn’t) shut the f*ck up.
Resolution #13: Stop eating like a friggin pig.
Resolution #14: Get the cats fat. Alright, That one is already done. Make them Fatter.
Resolution #15: Don’t die. I am an oxygen addict and I don’t care what anyone says. I want more. If you don’t want yours, give it to me.
Resolution #16: Read a lot. Write a lot. Get paid for writing. I’ve tried that twice and didn’t get any money. Blogging doesn’t pay much… at all if you are me, apparently. Gotta change that.
Resolution #17: Scratch my ass. In public.
Resolution #18: Get on television without either me or anyone I know being an asshole or the victims of an asshole.
Resolution #19: Make a million dollars. My best hope for that at this point is using my printer and printing the Words “One million dollars” on a piece of paper. Technically that’s just printing the words and not “making it”, But hell, if the federal reserve can simply make money by printing it, why the hell can’t I?…OK Congress says I can’t. I’ll write my congressman a letter, He’ll ok it. No worries.
Resolution #20: Don’t f*ck up. And if I do, minimize the damage. If I can’t minimize the damage, maximize it.
Resolution #21: Keep the Christmas tree up all year. A man can dream, can’t he?
That’s it from here, except a second viddy.
Today’s nuggets, via wikiquote: Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that. Some people think if you say some things they might happen. Some people are real fuckin’ stupid. You ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into? Goddamn there’s some stupid bastards out there. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you’ll come up with twenty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of ’em are stupider than that. George Carlin
Let me tell you the truth. The truth is, what is. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago. Lenny Bruce