You’ve read the best predictions of the most knowledgeable writers and prognosticators on the upcoming NHL season. You’ve listened to
NHL Live and all the hockey talk you could cram into you’re almost semi busy day. You’ve looked online to read TSN’s 30 teams in 30 days, and NHL.com’s 30 teams in 15 days. You are jam packed with hockey knowledge.
You’ve drafted your fantasy team, giggled at the guy who drafted Semyon Varlamov in the 9th round, and then giggled again as you drafted The Bulin Wall in the 10th, enjoyed watching Zach Parise fall into your lap when the guy ahead of you inexplicably picked Corey Perry 4th, and laughed your ass off at the noob who drafted Marian Hossa .
You know your hockey… Kinda. Hossa’ll be back.
So now you are here to read the predictions of a man who called the Super Bowl…err… wrong sport. I picked the Red Wings to win it all last year, but I goofed even bigger and picked the Penguins to lose in the first round to the Flyers. Ah well, no one gets them all right, and I’m the proof. Time to give you my view of the upcoming NHL 2009-2010 season. So without further adieu….
2009-2010’s WILDLY INACCURATE NHL PREDICTIONS!
Eastern Conference/Atlantic division: DEVILS/ PENS/ FLYERS/ RANGERS/ ISLANDERS Those F****** Devils will win the Division, The Pens will finish One game behind the Devils, thanks to a lucky Islanders team beating the Pens on Long Island in the final game of the year, and the Flyers will finish in third in the division, eighth in the eastern conference, just beating out the Rangers by winning both ends of a home and home against the Rangers to end the season. Heads will roll at the Garden, and Gaborik and Lundqvist will just not be enough. The Islanders will, despite the memorable finish, not do much for Jonathan Tavares or Dwayne Roloson and finish two points ahead of the second worst team in the NHL and the worst in the eastern conference, the Atlanta Thrashers.
Eastern Conference/ Northeast division: BRUINS/ CANADIENS/ SABRES/ SENATORS/ MAPLE LEAFS Snow will fall in July in Florida. The Southern United States will turn Democratic. Glenn Beck will admit to being a flaming Liberal. The Toronto Maple Leafs will make the Playoffs. All astounding predictions. All of them WRONG. The Bruins will run away with the Division, with the Canadiens close behind, but fifth overall in conference, with Buffalo a few points ahead of the Flyers to finish 7th overall, and third in the division. The Leafs…poor leafs, so close and yet so far. They will have the playoffs in their grasp, but lose their last 5 games and finish just out of contention. Toronto will howl with rage, and fall from third in the division to 5th, finishing a few points behind the Ottawa Senators, who will play hard but will simply not have enough this year. Two tough teams will hit some tough luck. Better luck next year.
Eastern Conference/ Southeast Division: CAPITALS/ HURRICANES/ PANTHERS/ LIGHTNING/ THRASHERS Alexander the Great, along with the rest of the Caps will run away with the Division and the Conference, and finish with the best record in the NHL. The Hurricanes will finish several games behind but in the Playoffs. Florida and Tampa will fight hard but simply not have enough to make the playoffs, and Atlanta will just plain suck. Ilya Kovalchuk will not have enough to carry this team to the promised land…or even mediocrity.
Western Conference/ Central Division: RED WINGS/ PREDATORS/ BLACKHAWKS/ BLUES/ BLUE JACKETS Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg and ROY candidate Justin Abdelkader will shoot their way to the top of the conference and division, with little competition from second place Nashville, who will finish with 6 more wins this year than last, and will go from being in last place and out of the playoffs last year to second in the division this year. The Blackhawks will just make the playoffs, despite the sometime shoddy goaltending of Cristobal Huet. The Blues and the Jackets will play hard but just not have enough to get past the competition and will both just miss the playoffs, both losing tough ones in their last few games of the year.
Western Conference/ Northwest Division: CANUCKS/ FLAMES/ OILERS/ WILD/ AVALANCHE Roberto Luongo and the Vancouver A**holes will run away with the Northwest, and miss the Western conference #2 spot by only a few points. The Flames will ride the Goalie pads of Miikka Kiprusoff to a respectable 2nd place finish. The Oilers will surprise a great many people and actually make the Playoffs this year, thanks in large part to outstanding clutch goal scoring from Ales Hemsky, and amazingly strong defense in front of the net. The Wild will just miss the playoffs, despite outstanding netminding from Nik Backstrom, there just won’t be enough offense. Colorado… they will be the Cleveland Browns of the NHL, they’ll suck but at least they won’t be the worst. Their lack of offense will make up for their lack of defense.
Western Conference/ Pacific Division: SHARKS/ DUCKS/ STARS/ KINGS/ COYOTES Dany Heatley will vie for the scoring title(but lose to Ovechkin) and will carry the Sharks to another division win with the help of Vezina trophy contender Evgeni Nabokov, while the Ducks will ride sticks of Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf to a second second place finish in the division. The Stars will make a run but ultimately come up short, and while the Kings will finish several points back, the Coyotes will finish with a whimper, with the worst record in the NHL, hurt as much by their inability to score as by their inability to work out a way to stay in the desert.
In Short the Conferences will Finish Like this:
Eastern Conference 1: Washington Capitals 2: Boston Bruins 3: New Jersey Devils 4: Pittsburgh Penguins 5: Montreal Canadiens 6: Carolina Hurricanes 7: Buffalo Sabres 8: Philadelphia Flyers / 9: New York Rangers 10: Ottawa Senators 11: Florida Panthers 12: Toronto Maple Leafs 13: Tampa Bay Lightning 14: New York Islanders 15: Atlanta Thrashers
Western Conference 1: Detroit Red Wings 2: San Jose Sharks 3: Vancouver Canucks 4: Calgary Flames 5: Nashville Predators 6: Anaheim Ducks 7: Chicago Blackhawks 8: Edmonton Oilers / 9: Minnesota Wild 10: Dallas Stars 11: Saint Louis Blues 12: Los Angeles Kings 13: Colombus Blue Jackets 14: Colorado Avalanche 15: Phoenix Coyotes
Hope these crappy picks gave you a giggle. That’s it from here! G’night, Hockey Fans! …. Oh BTW, you remember when I wrote at the beginning of this that you giggled at that guy who Drafted Varlamov in the 9th round? Well…that was me. Missed out on Pekka Rinne and needed a third goalie. I didn’t know he’d lose the starting spot to Theodore!(who as of now is the Caps starting goalie) Oops! LOL. L8r!
Today’s Nuggets, Via Wikiquote: You can’t just stand and say to yourself, ‘OK, right now I’m the best. That’s it. No more working.’ If you’re a good player you have to be working harder and harder. This is not just my goal, it’s my team goal. We can improve more and we can probably be even better than last year. My dream is to be the best. Alexander Ovechkin
Management wins Stanley Cups. Players can only do their best. You’ve got to bring the right ingredients to make a Stanley Cup winner and if the manager is not doing his job, the players can only do so much. You produce and do what’s right, but if you don’t have the talent there, you’re not going to win many games. Andy Bathgate
Individual records are nice to get, but before the season starts, you want to play to win the Stanley Cup! Guy Lafleur