2013 Irrelevant Resolutions

The year 2012 had it’s ups and downs.  There was not nearly not enough work for me, making it hard to pay the bills.  The Yankees did not win the world series.  Again.  Dick Cheney did not spontaneously burst into flames for the 71st year in a row.  My older cat learned to shit in the hallway. A lot.  The Mayans, as usual, were wrong and the world did not dissolve into nothingness and humanity didn’t come to an end.

Don’t ya hate when that happens?  Me too.

There were good things though.  Mitt Romney tried to anally rape the average American by trying to buy the election, but fortunately for us, the body politic has ways of shutting that whole thing down.  Eli Manning and Co. won their second super bowl.  I kept the Christmas lights up most of the year.

Frankly even with the good stuff that happened, I’m glad to see the end of 2012.

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Which brings me to the 4th annual festival of WTF, that bastion of bullshit, that cavalcade of crap, the 2013 Irrelevant resolutions!

If any of this mostly silly, and only occasionally serious crap strikes your fancy, by all means take it with you and call it your own!

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Resolution #1: Get large sums of money.  Note I used the word get and not make. No one has ever, and from past experience I know no one will ever pay me large sums of money. It would be nice if I could earn enough money to be able to keep myself and my wife from having to sweat the end of the month showing up.  Winning the lottery would be nice, but I figure that only family members of the people who run the lottery ever win those damn things, so ‘l have to do it the old fashioned way and rob some fat rich fuck and run like hell.

Resolution #2:  Get a permanent job.  I have been temping and freelancing for the better part of four years and frankly I’m sick to death of it. I want to know who I have to have sex with to get a job, what do I have to do them with?  No one has answered this vitally important question for me, and it’s beginning to piss me off.

Resolution #3:  Write a book.  I said I was going to do this one last year, and never did.  Not for lack of trying.  I have thousands of words that form a cogent and coherent story on a computer in this very room.  Unfortunately that computer turned into a brick on me, damn thing stopped working the week of Thanksgiving, so I can’t do a damn thing with any of those 38,000+ words.  Maybe the old computer couldn’t handle the story.  Maybe I should have surfed for porn like everyone else instead.  Would’ve at least gotten something out of it then.

Resolution #4:  Watch more (shitty) television. I do not watch Sons of Anarchy.  I do not watch the walking dead.  Whenever I go places and meet people, they invariably talk about these silly sounding shows. So just to stay in conversations with people I like I may have to.  Because they don’t talk about much else.  Elitist fuckers. Maybe I should just try meeting a better brand of  biker zombie.

Resolution #5:  Stop being so judgmental.

Resolution #6:  Beat the shit out of at least one elected official.  The government is watching me, they surveil everyone, so why not get their attention by saying some crazy outlandish silly stupid bullshit.  This particular statement is not actually a resolution, I’m not the violent type per se, this is just me saying hello to the boys and girls down at homeland security.  This statement is meant to make at least one of those nosy fuck bastards earn at least one paycheck this year.  Lazy pricks.

Resolution #7:  Bring out the best in America.  Walk the width and breadth of this great land, and with a happy hearty smile, a twinkle in my eye, and a warm handshake, greet everyone regardless of lifestyle, circumstance or political stripe and wish them a happy day.  And hope they don’t beat the crap out of me for bothering them like that, because America don’t like that kinda thing any more.  They’re much more interested in their iPads, their stupid looking skinny jeans and this weeks latest uninformed political conspiracy.

Resolution #8:  Have sex.  I’m a married man. It can happen.

Resolution #9:  Spend at least one day this year where I do not look at a single screen.  Every day I spend hours and hours staring at either computer, tablet or television screens.  At the best of times most of it seems to be nothing more than vapid horse manure.  It maybe enjoyable watching all of it, but it isn’t exactly life enriching. Why not stop watching for a minute and see what happens?

Resolution #10:  Run.  For those of you who do not know, and that would be the entire population of the earth minus the few family and friends that care about such things, I am a runner.  What even these few do not know is that I have spent most of the last three months not running.  My running shoes are worn the hell out, my knees calves and hamstrings were worn the hell out, as was my lower back.  But the time off has done away with the physical issues, and if it were not for the shoes I would be back out there now. I’m going to be a runner again.  I promise.

Resolution #11:  Run for office.  OK, writing the things I wrote here kinda preclude my ever being able to do this one, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Resolution #12:  Fart in the bathtub while listening to patriotic music.  Might even fart the star spangled banner.  God bless America.  Doesn’t  freedom smell great?

Resolution #13:  Use the word “cliff” in a sentence without using the word “fiscal” in that same sentence.  Haven’t been able to all year.  I know I have it in me.  Well, I might… ummm…. crap.  We’ll see. I dunno about this one.

Resolution #14:  Use the name John Boehner in a sentence without using the words “douchebag”  ”whiner” “Cry baby” or “stupid orange fuck” in the same sentence. Personally I’m not holding out much hope on this one, but I can try.

Resolution #15:  Stop.  Seriously.  Just stop.  In this constantly busy ever moving world, keeping things moving is about the most important thing a person can do. Busy equals strong most ways that are important as far as I see it. But no one can do it like that without a break.  So when things get too damn stressed, just put the brakes on.

Resolution # 16:  Tell the corporate world to go fuck itself… in such a way that they give me great heaving gobs of money to do it.  #Occupycomedy perhaps?

Resolution #17:  Be kind to strangers.  Because you can’t really get to loathe someone until you get to know them.

Resolution #18:  Start a Death Metal band.  Name it “Joe”  

Resolution #19: Don’t Die. I have this one on the list every year. So far, so good.

Resolution #20: Drink more alcohol. I have not had one single drink during all of 2012.  Not a single one.  Not bad for an alcoholic.  So technically having one beer would make this one a reality.  I think I can do it, without drinking so much that I almost crap my liver out the next morning.  Control is good.

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That’s it from here, America.  Gnight.

A War Of Words

Pic of the day:  Pobřežní děla v boji s loďstvem (Shore Guns in a Fight with the Fleet) by Bohulim Kubista  (1913)

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CAUGHT in the whirlwind of these war times, without any real information or any perspective upon the great changes that have already occurred or are about to be enacted, lacking all premonition of the future, it is small wonder that we ourselves become confused as to the meaning of impressions which crowd in upon us or of the value of the judgments we are forming. It would seem as though no event had ever destroyed so much of the precious heritage of mankind, confused so many of the clearest intellects or so thoroughly debased what is highest.

Sigmund Freud, Reflections on War and Death (1918)

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Man, there is a lot of bullshit flying around these days.    The Government is not God pac is at war with reality, and it is a war of words.  They are saying, among other things that President Obama will:

1) Force Christian schools to hire non Christian teachers.

2) Force Christian organizations to pay for abortions.

3) Force courts to accept Sharia law in domestic disputes

I have a great many things to say about this, but when boiled down every argument against this silliness boils down to a single statement in response.

That is the stupidest bullshit I have ever heard in my entire fucking life and I’ve been around longer than you, are you fucking people high?

Let’s look at these claims one at a time, and see what we find.

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1) The first claim above is based entirely on the fact that the solicitor general argued in a case in front of the supreme court that a teacher who thought she was was wrongfully fired should be allowed to bring a discrimination lawsuit against a Christian school, which at present is not allowable.  There are constitutional protections involved.

The solicitor general lost that case 9-0.  On the basis of that, there are people saying the President wants to force non Christians to work in Christian schools.

The separation of church and state came to the schools rescue.  That particular move by the solicitor general was dumb, and an overreach by that office.  But just because the solicitor general is guilty of overreach in one case (where he was rightfully defeated, and soundly at that) does not mean that the President is of like mind, or would even begin to attempt any such move.  He is a baptist, he would not take away the rights of any church, particularly if that move would affect his congregation.

So that kills that first claim.

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2) This forced paying for abortion claim is ludicrous. Religious organizations do not have to provide coverage for that, nor do they have to refer anyone to organizations that do provide such.  The government does not have the power to force any Christian organization to hand over money to any doctors anywhere who would perform an abortion on any woman.

Ever.

There is this thing we have in America that keeps the government out of the hair of such organizations.

It’s called the constitution.  These people really should read the fucking thing before shooting off their mouths like that.

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3) Message to the people who put out the claim that the President will force courts to accept sharia law:  The executive Branch cannot force the Judicial branch to accept any particular law.

A short aside:  no Baptist (and the President is a Baptist {get over it}) would want Sharia law in America.  End of statement.

There is a basic reason this claim rings false.  It’s called the separation of powers.  I was taught the basics on that when I was 8 years old.  Guess whoever put out this horse shit didn’t go to any school on any level that taught social studies, or history, or civics, or anything worth learning for that matter.

Or maybe numbnuts who came up with this majored in “douchebaggery”

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And on top of all that douchebaggery, I find out that Mitt Romney is out there saying the the President is trying to cut voting rights for our Military, despite the fact that that is quite simply not true.

How do I find out about this?  I read facebook, and someone I know posts something on his wall saying and I quote “Oppose Obama’s Lawsuit against Military Voting Rights.”

Ya know, if there was such a thing I would vehemently oppose it.  I went looking for it.  Wanna know what I found?

Nothing.  Not a single god blessed thing.  EXCEPT FOR STATEMENTS BY MITT ROMNEY FALSELY CLAIMING THERE IS ONE.

Sorry for the yelling, felt the need to get that off of my chest.

I hate lying assholes.  And that asshole Romney is lying through his teeth on that claim.    If Mittens wants more people to vote for him, maybe he should stop being a dick like that.

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.

 

A Quick Look At A Few Of Paul Ryan’s Statements From Last Night

Pic of the day: Assorted United States Coins

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A few quotes from Paul Ryan’s speech, and commentary on those quotes follow.

I’m the newcomer to the campaign, so let me share a first impression. I have never seen opponents so silent about their record, and so desperate to keep their power.

You’re a newcomer to the campaign, and yet you can speak to the fact that you’ve never seen opponents so silent and desperate other such drivel? Seriously? Let me share an impression. There is no desperation except that which you want to see, and the silence you hear isn’t silence. You’re just not listening.

But then again, you never have.

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When he talked about change, many people liked the sound of it, especially in Janesville, where we were about to lose a major factory.

A lot of guys I went to high school with worked at that GM plant. Right there at that plant, candidate Obama said: “I believe that if our government is there to support you … this plant will be here for another hundred years.” That’s what he said in 2008.

Well, as it turned out, that plant didn’t last another year. It is locked up and empty to this day.

News for Paul Ryan. That plant closed during the Bush Administration.

Just like the Republicans to blame President Obama for something that Dubya did.

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What did the taxpayers get out of the Obama stimulus? More debt.

Not really. The stimulus helped to save or create over 3 million jobs, and kept unemployment from spiraling out of control. A surprising thing to hear, but without the stimulus, unemployment which peaked at 10%, would have easily peaked closer to 15%.

And while there was debt created, and a lot of it, it was debt built to pay for things that needed to be done here and now. Republicans forget the tragedy that they begat with their laissez-faire governance that made the entire housing and financial crisis possible.

I’ll explain about how the Republicans, in particular Dubya, Chris Cox and Hank Paulson did to the economy if you really need me to beat the dead horse that is the net capital rule yet again.

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Obamacare, as much as anything else, explains why a presidency that began with such anticipation now comes to such a disappointing close.

It began with a financial crisis; it ends with a job crisis.

It began with a housing crisis they alone didn’t cause; it ends with a housing crisis they didn’t correct.

It began with a perfect Triple-A credit rating for the United States; it ends with a downgraded America.

It’s called the Affordable Care Act. Quit the semantic bullshit, jackass.

Close? The people haven’t spoken yet, Paul. Relax with that.

Ends with a jobs crisis? There has been a jobs crisis for the past 4 years, and the Republicans have stalled every attempt to make progress in the fight to create jobs. Or do you think we don’t remember all those cloture votes in the senate, and all the stonewalling the Republicans have thrown in the path of progress?

They alone?… They alone?.… He’s gonna make me explain about how the REPUBLICANS RELAXED THE NET CAPITAL RULE THUS MAKING IT POSSIBLE TO TURN SUB-PRIME MORTGAGES INTO THE ECONOMY DESTROYERS THEY BECAME. It made those mortgages money makers FOR THE BIG BANKS, big enough where the amount of them increased from being less than 5% of all mortgages to over 20% of all mortgages in less than 18 months by 2004. THAT precipitated the economic collapse. It would NOT HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT THAT ONE SINGLE EVENT. Enough yelling.

I feel cleansed now.

And everyone knows that credit rating drop was a political football play, and the drop was done by the S&P in an attempt to affect the legislative process in their favor. Much like the political football they played with Greece and the rest of the European economy, trying to turn things in their favor.

And you see how well they’re doing over there.

I’d be more careful with the words I chose Mr. Ryan. The S&P thing was and is a debacle. The S&P has lost a great deal of credibility since that rather badly pulled off rating drop.

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Republicans stepped up with good-faith reforms and solutions equal to the problems.
Bullshit.

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Behind every small business, there’s a story worth knowing. … And if small businesspeople say they made it on their own, all they are saying is that nobody else worked seven days a week in their place. Nobody showed up in their place to open the door at five in the morning. Nobody did their thinking, and worrying, and sweating for them. After all that work, and in a bad economy, it sure doesn’t help to hear from their president that government gets the credit. What they deserve to hear is the truth: Yes, you did build that.

No one said that the government gets the credit. What was said is that no one succeeds alone. That simple. And that is a basic truism. Trying to make it sound as if the President is putting down the small businesses of America, after all he has done to keep them afloat is ridiculous on Paul’s part. If you, mister business owner, think you can get by without; money from outside, private or public; the hearty help of your employees who succeed when you do; without the community at large, then you are not going to be in business long, and you will not do well.

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Mitt is speaking.; I will not listen to that devil worshiper. I will read the transcript. And I will do for that speech what I did for Paul’s P.O.S. speech.

That’s it from here, America. G’night.

Coffee And Happiness

Pic of the day:  The Outcast, by Sandro Botticelli

“Dammit, I forgot to make the coffee, booohooohooo…”

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Happiness, whether consisting in pleasure or virtue, or both, is more often found with those who are highly cultivated in their minds and in their character, and have only a moderate share of external goods, than among those who possess external goods to a useless extent but are deficient in higher qualities.

Aristotle, Politics

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Viddy of the day:  Chase that happy!

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Coffee makes you live longer?  That’s what the headline in the businessweek story says.  But after reading the actual story, not even looking at the study’s results themselves, just reading someone else’s words on the study(which has all the biases of the person who read it on top of all the biases that wrote the report) I get the feeling that the story is much ado about nothing.

And that is coming from a guy who drinks a minimum of one pot of coffee a day. I WANT coffee to make me live longer!

Let me explain about the study.  402,000 people were involved.  In the course of the study, which apparently took 13 years (1995 – 2008) according to the story, over 50,000 people involved in the study died.  The men who drank 2 or 3 cups of coffee were 10% less likely to die than those who didn’t, and women were 13% less likely to die than their coffee drinking counterparts.

The numbers beg a question.  Which of the numbers is normal?  Are the coffee drinkers living normal lives while the other people cut their lives short with other behaviors?  Could that 13% and 10%  less liable to die number the norm, meaning the people who died during the survey were in fact dying young, 10 to 13% younger than they should due to other behaviors?

That would make the point not that coffee drinkers live longer, but that some people die younger than others and there is simply no way to know why. Given all the behaviors that humans take part in that could potentially do good or harm, how small a piece of the pie was coffee in these peoples lives?

It is very hard to actually quantify what it was that helped those who survived longer do so, and if coffee had any effect in any way whatsoever.  The person who ran the study said it was difficult to quantify the effect, and said that “there may actually be a modest benefit of drinking coffee.”(emphasis added)  Other behaviors affected the people in the study.  Smoking was mentioned by name in the article.

Another thought:  2/3′s of the people in the study drank coffee, and 50,000 died.  I’m guessing there were a great many coffee drinkers that bought the farm during the study.

Coffee may give a modest benefit to those who drink it, but that’s about it.

Hell… I dunno… Maybe I need more coffee.

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And after reading that story, I read another businessweek story, this one titled “THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE TO FIRE IMMEDIATELY”  The first two groups of people that should be fired?

Victims and nonbelievers.

The victims are portrayed as people who complain they don’t get paid enough and call the boss clueless.  Seriously.

That’s not a victim, that’s what you call an employee.   I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who thinks they get paid too much, or enough for that matter.  And everyone has thought at one point that their boss was clueless.   If the boss wasn’t clueless (about the wants and needs of employees, something most bosses overlook, and something which is vitally important to the smooth running of an office), no one would think he or she was a clueless fuck.

The third group of people these writers (it actually took 2 people to write this loser article) said should be fired?  The know-it-alls.  Meaning the know-it-alls who wrote the article just argued that they should be immediately fired.  They just wrote the most uppity know-it-all article I’ve ever read about work.  It is really about being a shitty boss, about how to be an effective shitty boss.

Ya, just fire people.  If that makes you a better boss, losing weight would make you a better person.  But we all know it doesn’t work like that.  If you are a fat asshole and you lose the fat, you don’t lose “asshole” you lose weight.

Now, I know the people who wrote this article are looking for innovation in the workforce.  But I will be blunt with these troglodytes.  Not everyone is an innovator.  Not everyone can be.  They seriously need to get over the need to want everyone to be good office slaves.  Getting rid of people who disagree with the culture is a great way to destroy the culture from within.  Yes men suck.

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I found my happiness.  It involves pointing at the wrong in the world and screaming the word “BULLSHIT!!!” at the top of my lungs.

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That’s it for today, America. G’night.

2012 Irrelevant Resolutions

2011 is over! I tell you I won’t miss 2011, now that 2012 is here.  2011 sucked!  I had 5 separate jobs.  Five.  Not that I mind working, I love to work, but having 5 jobs means that I had no stability in those jobs whatsoever, and that sucks!

A lot of the resolutions I made last year just didn’t work.  I didn’t write for money.  Never called my representative to tell him he is a shithead, and I never got to tell Glenn Beck to fuck himself.

I’m such a slacker.

One resolution I did nail was the resolution to run a lot.  Ran over 2100 miles, ran over 20 miles like I resolved to do.

Which is nice and all, but….

The time has come to make this years resolutions.  Let the irrelevancy begin!

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Resolution #1: Belch.  Belch like no one has ever belched before.  Make booger here look like a rookie.

Resolution #2:  Start a fight with corporate America.  Sure I can’t beat them, there’s a bazillion of them, and one of me, and they have a grillion dollars to my… 22 bucks … sumthin like that, and they buy political influence the way I buy milk, but so what?  I have something they don’t have.  I don’t know what it is, but I hope what the hell ever it is helps, ’cause I don’t feel like getting my ass kicked at this point in my life.

Resolution #3:  Get a full time job.  Finding work has been a priority since the dickheads that fired me in 2009 made my life a living hell.  I have work now.  The problem?  It’s freelance work.  If they need me 5 days a week, I get a real paycheck.  If they don’t need me, I don’t work.  That SUCKS!  I’ve had enough of that hairy high school horseshit.  Full time or bust!

Resolution #4: Keep the Christmas tree up all year.

Resolution #5:  Run a race.  I am a runner (just in case you missed that), and I could have run one last year, but I tweaked a hamstring and that killed the one chance I had at running that race.  I love running, and racing is fun.

Resolution #6:  Write a book.  Note I do not say “write a bestseller” or even “write a decent book”  It could be a god-awful piece of shit, but dammit, I want to write a book.  OK, I hope it isn’t a truly god-awful piece of shit, but the worse it is, the better it’ll sell, if I know the tastes (if you can call it taste) of my countrymen (and women) at all.

Resolution #7:  Beat the crap out of a marketing executive.  People who work in marketing are evil.  Evil must be fought.  If all the good people of the world took up the cause, and beat the shit out of just one of these evil cretins, the world would be a much better place.  Join the cause.

Resolution #8:  Punch a random stranger in the face. Ya, that is wrong.  But if I had a dollar for every wrong thing in the world, I’d have a lot of money I did not really deserve.  And i’d be part of the 1%.

Resolution #9:  Stop all unnecessary violence in the world.

Resolution #10 :  Teach a fish to juggle.

Resolution #11:   Learn Irish Gaelic.  OK, I know a bare minimum of the language, I would like to be able to speak it, actually have a conversation in the langauge of my forefathers.  While I’m at it, learn Polish as well.  I have polish blood, t’would be nice if I learned that language as well.

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A very old author discoursing upon Irishmen, says, ” Where Irishmen are good, it is impossible to find better, where they are bad, it is impossible to find worse.” I am afraid we have got to this alternative. Treachery was never the character of Irishmen. Courage and intrepidity were their characteristics. Every creature is taught to fight, but boldly and fairly.

The Earl of Clonwell, 1796

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Resolution #12:  Start and /or join a band.  I’ve been playing guitar since 1983.  I’m good, dammit.  I should be in a band and use that musicality of mine.

Resolution #13:  Start my own company.  I have no Idea what the hell that company would do, but dammit, maybe doing that makes me more money than just working for evil assholes who hate paying me, and think that health benefits for employees are an extravagant privilege.  This one needs a lot of work, but then again, so do I.

Resolution #14:  Piss off a conservative.  That’s pretty easy. They’re sensitive little ass clowns, pouty drunk fucks the lot of them.

Resolution #15:  Learn to be nice.  Or at least find someone who has the right drugs that will help me get there.  Because after 44 years on this earth, I have found that I simply cannot fake nice, and that I’m about as subtle as a nuclear explosion, and that doesn’t exactly lend itself to “nice”.

Resolution #16:  Eat healthier.  Wait… what the hell is an honest to J.R. “Bob” Dobbs resolution doing here????  Well I do eat a boatload of unhealthy crap.  Ring dings are NOT a food group, no matter how hard I try to make them one.  I really do have to work on that.

Resolution #17:  Learn to drive.  I love cars.  They are, some of them, truly works of art, some of the most sublime beauty mankind has created is in the form of automobiles.  But they are evil, at least to me they are.  I hate them, I would much rather just stay home than drive, but it is becoming obvious that I have no choice.  I need to do this.  Dammit.

Resolution #18:  Invade Iran.  Oh wait, that’s Rick Santorum’s resolution.  Sorry.  My bad.

Resolution #19:  Don’t Die.  That would ruin my weekend.

Resolution #20:  Get rich.  This poverty shit really sucks. And the rich fat bastards never learned to share, so I gotta go steal earn it myself.

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That’s it from here, America.  G’night.