No philosophy that he had ever heard or read gave any reasonable purpose for man’s existence, nor any rational clue to his proper conduct. Basking in the sunshine might be as good a thing to do with one’s life as any other — but it was not for him and he knew it, even if he could not define how he knew it.
Robert Heinlein, Methuselah’s Children
The year is nearly done. That is a happy thing. 2010 sucked! The Yankees didn’t win the World series..I don’t even remember who won, The Orioles? The Seattle Pilots? My uncle Fred? Sumthin like that. The job market sucked ass. I’m still not wealthy.
My cats ass exploded. Srsly. Ask about it, I’ll give you an earful of my cats ass. … on second thought, maybe not…
I think the time has come for 2011′s resolutions. Seeing how I really didn’t nail any of the important resolutions I made last year, despite the fact that some of them were pretty damn easy, I don’t hold out much hope for really getting this list done either. But like the evil bastards at the NY Lottery say, “Hey, Ya never know!”
And if you like any of them, take them for your own, I won’t mind!
Resolution #1: Annoy complete strangers with various noxious body odors.
Resolution #2: Get a fucking job.
Resolution #3: Keep that fucking job.
Resolution #4: Get deeper in debt. Most people want to be out of debt. Most people also want their kids to be President, or make millions of dollars. Nice to want things. If I know I can’t get out, why not just sit tight and wallow in it?
Resolution #5: Send John Boehner my resume, and write him a touching e-mail. Then ask him where the jobs are. I figure if he knows, maybe he can forward it to someone who’ll hire me. Maybe it’ll make him cry. That’d be nice.
And if he can’t find me a job, screw him, he is fucking useless.
Resolution #6: Wear a silly hat in public for no readily apparent reason. I may well mix this resolution with res. #1 to create an unforgettable experience for some poor bastard.
Resolution #7: Record a song that I’ve written. Send it to someone at a record company. Cross fingers.
Resolution #8: Fix the political rift in this great nation, bringing together America’s left and right, so we can stand together and be one nation, united. Barring that, make America a better place by pointing out that both sides of the political aisle have faults, and that no side has all the answers. Barring that, tell that drunk glib fraud Beck to go fuck himself.
Resolution #9: Run. A lot. Run fast. Run long. Run 20+ miles at least once.
Resolution #10: Read the Koran, in an effort to find out why all these nut jobs keep tying bombs to their assholes and blowing them off and taking unsuspecting people along with them. Assholes.
Resolution #11: Call my Representative. Tell him he is a shithead.
Resolution #12: Stop climate change. If that isn’t happening, help the people who are helping to do that. If that doesn’t happen, at the very least shut one self proclaimed climate change denier the hell up. And if it turns out there is no climate change, start it the hell up.
Resolution #13: Be grumpier every day.
Resolution #14: Write for money. I know, I know. I said that last year, and it didn’t didn’t work out. Despite the fact that I applied for a number of jobs as a writer, I could not land a single one. That may be because I sent resumes at the wrong time, or the positions were filled, but probably because I suck. But that’s OK, plenty of other writers suck. Just read redstate.com, or Mediaite. They are ALL shitty writers, and they make money writing, why can’t I?
Resolution#15: If I can’t make money writing, or get a job making copies or being a mover, or make money playing guitar, go be a dishwasher or something. Any job is better than no job. Can you tell I obsess over money? Maybe I should stop that. Hmmm….
Resolution #16: Stop obsessing over money.
Resolution #17: Stop obsessing over money.
Resolution #18: Stop obsessing over money.
Resolution #19: Stop repeating myself unnecessarily, and stop obsessing over money, by becoming obsessed with something else entirely, like cheddar cheese, or knuckle push-ups, or farting in public.
Resolution #20: Do something radically insane, like jump out of an airplane, or base jump. I think I’ll make sure I have a parachute or an umbrella or some such handy for that, otherwise I just might end up sticking the landing.
Plus, I really don’t look good in red.
That’s it from here, America! Happy New Year!